Is it really possible to improve a couple's relationship after cheating? How about restoring trust, and not “overwriting” what happened? Let's look at the consequences of such an error.
Your chance to regain trust after betrayal
Understanding how to regain trust after cheating is not easy. Moreover, both sides - both the culprit and offended person. At a minimum, we need to soften the impact of this news.
If they cheated on you...
Be prepared for what correct behavior after betrayal will require incredible efforts and courage from you. The most important thing is to understand and remember that you are not to blame for this situation! Don't let your other half blame you. Even the smallest part of responsibility is by no means yours.
Drive yourself away from such thoughts immediately. In order to improve relationships after betrayal, or at least give them some chance of successful continuation, convey to the traitor that only he is to blame. It is the traitor who must be active and think about how to correct it psychologically difficult situation and save the day. In other words, thoughts on how to regain trust after betrayal should be with the culprit, not you.
Another important point– by not trying to take responsibility, you are doing both of you a favor. Because by doing this you allow the traitor to justify himself fully. Understand that the culprit cannot correctly answer your “I stopped taking care of myself.” It’s much easier to say “I was wrong.”
If both sides of the conflict begin to react actively, then a rupture cannot be avoided.
Let's consider a small but most common example of the development of events after betrayal. You find out that your spouse has cheated on you.
Your reaction:
- first shock and amazement;
- then panic;
- and, finally, the most dangerous thing - admitting your guilt and asking you to stay with you.
You scream and roar, saying that in recent months/years you have not had time for yourself, to go to the gym, blame yourself for not paying enough attention to your partner and being cold. But sooner or later you calm down. Your further reaction and feelings? Disgust and resentment. And to a greater extent than they could be. Since this is mixed with regret about your own humiliation and requests to stay with you, no matter what.
You are the injured party. Your task is not to think about how to improve relationships after betrayal. And behave beautifully and even nobly, allowing the traitor to atone for his guilt. Don't add your own humiliation to the conflict. Cowardly and petty reactions such as “cheating back” also make no sense. In this way, you will only successfully end the relationship, since you will add to the already negative atmosphere in the couple the accusation of cheating on you. This is the surest road to the collapse of a relationship.
Does cheating on your significant other lead to a complete loss of trust?
The answer to the question is really important. Without understanding what “broke” in you after the betrayal of your spouse, you will not be able to restore your relationship and family.
Most people say that cheating leads to a loss of trust. But we don’t even trust ourselves 100%. You have been betrayed, and you hear from your friends or convince yourself that now it is necessary to establish hypercontrol over the traitor, you do not need to let go of the situation and you should expect constant reports from the culprit.
What happens as a result of eternal suspicion and despotism on the part of the offended? Words from the culprit of the conflict about the desire to separate. Sometimes the controller gets scared, admits guilt beyond his control, promises to start trusting, but... He only continues to torment himself, suffering and offending the “forgiven”.
The correct behavior after betrayal for those who are truly focused on maintaining a healthy family and normal relationships should be completely different.
Correct reaction and behavior after betrayal
There is no magic “eraser” that erases resentment and thereby allows you to restore relationships. You may start lying, saying that you don’t feel anything and the betrayal didn’t hurt you. You can pretend to be a kind of “iron man”, to whom such experiences are alien. You can pretend that you understood and accepted the situation, but... such deception will only harm you, your partner, and your relationship as a whole.
The normal first reaction to betrayal is surprise and even shock.
You didn’t even suspect that someday you would have to think about how to regain trust after betrayal. An event occurred that you could not even suspect occurred in the past. Your universe exploded into thousands of pieces. Isn't that so?
The emotional background is not so important. You can speak harshly and rudely, you can remain silent for a couple of minutes or be too polite, show restraint in your words. But what you shouldn’t do is show strong emotions for many hours in a row. Hysteria will not correct what happened, but excessive drama will work against you, not your partner. Be concise. It's normal to be surprised at first, but don't prolong it.
The danger is that, having experienced so many strong emotions, disappointment and collapse of hopes, you will need help and support. And where to look for them, if not from a loved one? And there is a desire to throw yourself on his neck in tears and cry (if you are a woman) or pull her into bed (if you are a man). What happens? The cheater sees that you became emotional and passionate about his offense, took on part of the blame, and, in fact, the situation returned to normal.
Stage two – maintaining the distance.
Go as far away from the traitor as possible. The best option is to pack your things and leave. Let him go to his mother, let him go on a trip to another city. But if the situation does not allow, for example, due to work, distance yourself in your home. Tell him that there is no need to touch you now, you need your own free space and time to think.
The culprit realizes the gravity of the situation, you can come to terms with the situation. An apology from the traitor and no humiliation on your part is the maximum that can be done to rectify the situation. At this stage, it is important to make it clear to the partner that the initiative should come from him. It’s not so scary to succumb to it as to manifest it yourself (for example, by deciding to “forget what happened”).
If you changed...
If you understand how to regain trust after betrayal, you want because of your own mistake, remember:
- Don't say that the reason for your cheating was your partner's lack of sexiness or unattractiveness. A common mistake is to say: “He/she took the initiative, but you won’t get any interest”;
- Do not declare that you were simply carried away by another person, that you “followed desires,” that you wanted to get away a little from family life and your usual way of life;
- Do not talk about your opponent/rival in a positive way, trying to justify yourself. Claim that he/she is a loser in every way, and you yourself cannot understand what happened and how you did not notice it before.
In other words, don’t say anything that might reduce the importance of the injured party compared to your rival/rival. On the contrary, make it clear that your opponent is fleeting and insignificant, or better yet, completely eliminate him from your life. By the way, make this noticeable by taking real steps: with your partner, put an end to any contacts with your opponent, delete contacts (if necessary), do not hide the correspondence - show it in its entirety, in the end, of course, you break off this connection.
Agree to be controlled by your partner. In the first couple of months after cheating, he is normal. This is the only way you can improve your relationship and gradually restore trust in the couple. Naturally, such an approach is needed to eliminate the consequences of a single betrayal. If you plan to continue communicating on the side, it is better not to torment your partner with new portions of promises that will not be fulfilled.
Say only what will increase the importance of your significant other and, best of all, in comparison with the one with whom you cheated.
How to regain trust after betrayal: looking for a universal remedy
The correct model of behavior if you made a mistake would be to admit your guilt and help the injured party forgive you, regain self-respect and trust in you. But don’t make the popular mistake: don’t get carried away. They admitted guilt, apologized, got up and continued to help, and not humiliate themselves or beg for forgiveness. Exactly in that order. Otherwise, by becoming extremely immersed in apologies, you will reduce any aspect of your life together to the fact that you will certainly find yourself guilty. Help me forgive you, but don't force me to do it. If a lot of time has passed and you are still an insidious traitor, then they are not going to forgive you. Now it’s time to either radically change your behavior pattern or leave.
Don’t forget about distance: both you and the injured party need it.
Positive results, that is, restoration of trust after betrayal, can be achieved if you convince your partner of the following:
- For you, your other half is infinitely loved, but you felt some cooling on her part. And this pushed you to cheat. Do not make statements about "coldness", and do not in any way blame it;
- The opponent means nothing to you, and you yourself are surprised at your mistake;
- Your opponent showed interest and initiative and clouded your mind. You didn’t feel anything for him.
And most importantly: don't try NOT to talk about cheating. The topic must exhaust itself for both sides. Silence will lead to an increase in internal psychological problems that may unexpectedly spill out. It is really possible to improve relationships after betrayal only if trust has been restored, and you need to work on this, and do it together.
How to regain trust?
Respect, trust and freedom are the 3 components of a harmonious relationship. If one part breaks and is not repaired in a timely manner, everything collapses. A psychological approach to relationships allows you not only not to destroy them, but also to raise them to a qualitatively new level, at which both partners will be happy.
My name is Anastasia, I am now 33 years old, I want to tell my story. Please don’t judge me harshly, even though I deserve insults and stones. I got married for the first time at the age of 18, he is 2 years older than me, a wonderful, purposeful person, I married for love. A year later, our daughter was born, my husband switched to part-time work, worked day and night so that we would not need anything, was attentive and caring. After 10 years, my feelings for Dima dulled a little, but I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, I wasn’t even looking for entertainment on the side, because I was happily married and what happened came as a surprise to me, as if it was beyond me . All women, if they have another man on the side, say that both are to blame, they try to shift most of the blame onto their husband: he didn’t pay attention, didn’t appreciate him, left him alone for a long time. Yes, he had business trips, representative offices of the company where he works as a top manager are located throughout Russia and even abroad, but they were not long, from one week to a maximum of a month. He always came with gifts for me and my daughter, everything about sex was great, I don’t think he was to blame for anything, I’m the only one to blame.
I was already 28 years old at that time, I worked as a graphic designer. I met my future lover at an exhibition, his name was Anatoly, he was 14 years older than me, divorced, apparently with life experience. He was the general director of a company competing with his husband. After the exhibition, we went to a cafe, he turned out to be a very interesting conversationalist, he knew how to look after me beautifully, it turned out that we had a lot of common topics, we exchanged phone numbers, I gave him my number as if hypnotized. And then everything started spinning, it didn’t stop him that I was married, that I had a daughter, he was very assertive. In the end I gave up. First, communication, walks in the park, first and subsequent kisses. I hated myself, I wanted to stop all this, I loved my husband and love the site, but not the same feelings as before. There was no spark that I felt for Anatoly at that time; for me, my husband was like a dear, beloved, caring person, the father of my daughter, but there were completely different emotions for the new man.
When my husband went to St. Petersburg for a few days for a congress, Tolik invited me to spend the weekend at his dacha. I already guessed what exactly was going to happen there, but that didn’t stop me. On the contrary, curiosity was bursting; I had been dating Dima since I was 16 years old; physically, he was my first and only man to this day. Trying not to think about my husband, I took my daughter to my mother-in-law, and I called Tolya, and he sent a car for me. I decided that this would be our last meeting and the last stupid thing that would be done on my part. When I arrived there, it seemed to me that I was in a fairy tale, in another world. There was a luxurious table, exotic fruits, a sauna, a swimming pool, and a jacuzzi. Expensive cognac went to my head and that’s where everything happened for the first time. Anatoly surpassed my husband both in experience and temperament, it was as if he read my thoughts and knew all my points, or so it seemed to me, because with Dima everything was somehow ordinary and familiar, he always knew what I wanted, and Tolya knew me just surprised.
It seemed to me that since this would be the last time, I decided to have a blast. He gave me a gorgeous ring, said that in his life he had never loved anyone as much as me, and suggested that I divorce Dima and marry him. I simply did not expect such a turn of events, but he said that he understood me, that he knew how difficult it was for me to make a choice, he said that he knew what it was like to be afraid of being hurt. to a loved one, so they won’t rush me or put pressure on me. But if the answer is positive, I am ready to provide a wonderful future for me and my daughter. At home, sobering and insight came. For the first time, I cheated on my husband, my beloved and dear person. I lay in the bathroom for three hours, stood in the shower for two hours, and cried until the evening. My daughter took the site. The next day Dima arrived, happy, with gifts, hugged me, and I hid my eyes and my conscience gnawed at me from the inside, I would even say, tore me apart. Dima didn't deserve this. It even seemed to me that he felt something. I deleted all Anatoly’s numbers, all calls and messages, hid the ring he gave me in my locker, tried to erase Tolik and the episode at the dacha from my life. I tried to pay as much attention and affection as possible to my husband, daughter, in general, to my family, but I couldn’t help but think about him. It’s like withdrawal, like a drug, I remembered every touch of Tolya, having sex with my husband, I imagined Anatoly and those hours at his dacha.
At first I ignored his calls, but then I couldn’t stand it and called myself. She said that I wanted to meet, so that I could rent a hotel room and wait for me there, and warned that this would be the last time, because I couldn’t leave my husband. She returned the ring to him in the room and asked him to get straight to the point without saying a word. I endured the second betrayal of my husband on the site more easily, even my feelings of conscience were not as gnawed at, although I still felt disgusting and disgusting. Tolik didn’t want to take his gift back, but I insisted and said that God forbid, my husband finds it, let him stay with him until I make a decision. He joked and said that he didn’t clean it far. I decided that the next meeting would be the last for sure. Then again, and then again, and in the end our meetings became regular, we met anywhere, in a hotel, at the dacha, in his apartment, I didn’t bring him to my house, and he didn’t really ask for it. I lied to my husband, I lied to my daughter as best I could, then I was detained at work, then my car broke down, then my friend’s, in general, I got confused in my own lies, but I didn’t care anymore, I realized that I was in trouble and come what may. I don’t know how long this would have lasted if chance hadn’t helped. It was summer, my daughter was on vacation from school. My husband happily announced that he was going to have a long business trip to Germany to develop some kind of joint project, and he was even ready to take my daughter and me with the site. About two months somewhere. I refused, citing the fact that I have a large design project, but my daughter can go. The husband was upset. After seeing them off, I called Anatoly right there at the airport.
These two months we literally lived like husband and wife. I completely forgot that I even had a husband, a family, I even forgot about my daughter. She answered their calls and messages sluggishly. And literally a week before they were supposed to return, I felt the first signs. After all, lately Tolya and I haven’t even taken any precautions. I secretly took a test and the result was positive. This child is Anatoly, not her husband. My legs just gave way. I decided not to say anything to anyone for now, Tole said that I needed to go home, tidy up and prepare for the meeting of my husband and daughter. He understood me, I said that I would make a decision in the near future. My first thought was to have an abortion and break off relations with Anatoly, then I remembered that Dima had spoken more than once about a second child, but I kept dragging on the site. Then I thought about giving Tolya’s child to her husband as his own, but how could she then live with that? I wanted to give up everything and run away from both of them, I had a breakdown and almost had a miscarriage. My husband and daughter arrived. When I looked at Dima, I realized that I was looking at him with completely different eyes, as at a stranger, at a stranger to me, and I realized that I no longer had the same feelings for my husband. No, I still loved him, but as just a person close to me, as a friend, as a brother, as a worthy father to my daughter. But those feelings that a woman experiences for a man fell asleep, lay at the bottom of my heart, and the rest of my heart was occupied by Anatoly, because under him I was carrying a child, his child - Tolya. I was at a loss and didn't know what to do. Still, she plucked up courage and confessed to Anatoly. Words cannot express how much delight and joy he had, he demanded to talk to his husband or he would talk to him like a man. But I didn’t even know where to start the conversation, there was simply no reason, I became irritable, snapped at Dima and my daughter over trifles, got confused, plus the pregnancy was taking its toll, which I hadn’t told Dima about yet.
I wasted time while I was thinking that it was too late to have an abortion, my belly was starting to grow, and the pregnancy was becoming more and more difficult to hide. I tried to talk to Dima several times, but something kept breaking down. And so I chose the moment and said: “Dima, we need to talk.” Then the words got stuck in my throat. But it was clear from his facial expression that he understood what the conversation would be about. “Speak! Don't know where to start? Do you want me to help you? It turned out that he knew everything. He knew, he suffered, he was tormented, but he was silent. I thought and hoped that I wasn’t serious about this, that I would come to my senses; I hoped to the last to save my family and love. He asked: “Do you know when I realized that I had lost you completely? When you refused to go with us to Germany, and I, as a death row inmate, was expecting this conversation. Well, I won’t hold you back by force, but I won’t give you my daughter. She's all I have left, please don't take it from me last meaning life."
You can’t even imagine what was happening to me at that moment. I fell to my knees, asked him to forgive me, not to blame myself for anything, that I myself didn’t know why everything went wrong in our relationship, that he was not to blame for anything, said that I was unworthy of him, that I would pray that everything was good in his life. We talked with my daughter, she firmly decided to stay with her father, and this is not even discussed, I also decided that Irishka would be better off with her dad. Both took off the rings, I went into another room and dialed Anatoly, he said that he had sent a car, the driver would help load my things. To this day I remember the tear on my husband’s face and my daughter’s angry look when they saw me off, she got into the car and burst into tears. We were quickly divorced; the daughter’s place of residence was assigned to her father, taking into account the wishes of both spouses and the child.
Tolya and I got married, the wedding was modest, only close relatives and some work colleagues, my parents loved Dima very much and did not even send congratulations. Our son was born, a wonderful boy, they named him Sasha. Occasionally I saw my daughter, she seemed to come to serve her military service, and with all her appearance she showed that I was unpleasant to her. When I tried to make comments to her, I snapped at her, although I know that Dima is not the person who will turn his daughter against me. Life with Anatoly never worked out for us, and our family idyll lasted three years. No, don’t think about it, he is a nice person, he surrounded my son and me with care, he helped Dima, his ex-husband, make a leap in his career, he really has no idea at whose instigation. But we somehow burned out on each other, and again it’s about me. Perhaps what I felt for him was love, passion, admiration, affection, anything, but not love. I loved Dima, truly loved him, and if I had not become pregnant with Tolya, I would never have left him.
After the divorce, Anatoly bought me an apartment in a good prestigious area, furnished it tastefully, bought everything for it, assigned me and my son a decent salary, hired a housekeeper and nanny himself, and I went back to work, otherwise I would simply go crazy. I often think about Dima, about how despicably she treated him, both him and her daughter. Recently I asked Irishka how he was doing. “Is this so important to you?” - was the answer. She asked if she would like mom and dad to be together again? And then she began to become hysterical. She said that he was alone for two and a half years, practically turned into a vegetable, if not for his daughter, he either committed suicide or drank himself to death. That he has been dating a young girl for six months now, and they are planning a wedding. She said that Angela was like an older sister to her, that dad blossomed again, began to live, a joyful light appeared in his eyes, and that they would not allow them to ruin their lives again. She ran away. I found out everything about that girl - some kind of student, she works part-time at Dima’s company. I know that he will not be happy with her, that he still loves me. Every day I cursed myself more and more for doing this to Dima. The only thing that makes me not regret this is my son, Sasha, I love him very much. I really want to be with Dima again, so that he will accept me and my child.
Is this possible? Will he forgive me? Is it worth fighting for, and is there any point in restoring the family or is there no need to bother? Will my daughter be able to forgive me? Please advise me. This girl doesn't love him, she only uses him. Please, I didn’t write the story to be judged, I myself know that I made a lot of mistakes, I destroyed everything myself. Please advise how to approach Dima and how to start a conversation
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! My husband and I had no understanding for more than two years. He didn’t pay any attention to me, I always told myself that he was working, tired, trying for his family, I tried to give him hints first, and then I told him directly, but he just brushed me off, saying that these were female cockroaches. And now, more than two years have passed, it’s our wedding anniversary, and he didn’t even congratulate me in words or celebrate me in any way, but I really wanted a holiday. It destroyed me completely. I began to think that nothing would change, how can I live like this, maybe I need to get a divorce, but there was still hope in my soul and I began to remain silent. Soon he wrote to me ex-boyfriend, we started communicating on social media. networks, almost 8 years have passed since we broke up, I was only 18 then and we met several times for a couple of months. He began to write that he still loves me and that I am the girl of his heart, I answered him, they say, I’m married, why do you need me, and then he simply deleted me when he found out that I would come to his city, but not alone , and with my husband. I didn’t write to him anymore, I hoped that I wouldn’t see him there. We went to that city, my husband left me to live with my parents and returned home himself. I started drinking every day, I didn’t know how to find the strength to return home to my husband. And one day I wrote to my ex, saying I loved him, I wanted to see his reaction, I myself didn’t feel anything at that moment and was drunk, he replied that he didn’t love me, I didn’t write to him anymore. A couple of days before leaving, I met an acquaintance who invited me to his salon for a drink, I went purely out of professional interest, my husband called me, I turned off the phone, I was afraid that he would misunderstand me, that I was sitting with a guy he didn’t know. This friend of mine took a photo of me and sent it to my ex photo, called him to come. I found out about this and started drinking in one gulp. I don't know why I didn't leave there. He arrived, called me outside to talk, I started telling him why he wrote to me about love and why he came at all, we kissed, I was pretty drunk, at first I liked it, and then I pushed him away. After which we went to a bar, my ex left, I drank and danced all night. In the morning, my husband called me, a showdown began, after which I decided that I loved my husband and we could overcome everything, I returned to his house, he began to try, paid attention, I became happier. But he got into my phone and saw a correspondence with my ex, found out that we kissed and saw my declaration of love to him, which I wrote without feelings, to find out the reaction of my ex. My husband decided to get a divorce, even though he loves me, he no longer has trust in me, he said he couldn’t live like this, that a miracle had to happen for him to change his mind. He admitted that he didn't give me attention and that he was sorry. After he suddenly found out everything, we were in love all day, he was literally a different person, I experienced an orgasm for the first time in my life, even he noticed it. But the next day he felt sick. He cried 2 times, said that he never cried because of a woman. He had the same situation with his ex, he saw her correspondence, gave her a chance, walked around gloomy all the time and after 3 months she left on her own. I love him very much, at first I had tears and hysterics, but now calm has come, I told him that there would be no more words, I would prove my love with actions and win his trust, I would perform the miracle he spoke about. I try not to remind him of the pain that I caused him, I behave calmly, and I don’t bother him again. He started repairs, I help him, I try from morning to evening, he sees it. Today we slept separately. I really want to save my family and make it better and stronger. He suggested going to the registry office in a week, after which there will be 30 days to make a decision, we live together, no one has the opportunity to leave. Do I have a chance to fix everything? Am I behaving correctly now?
Psychologist Yulia Kirillovna Popova answers the question.
Hello, Lyudmila!
You ask whether you can correct the current situation in the family and how to behave.
You first hinted, and then, importantly, directly spoke about your needs (attention), which were perceived as “female cockroaches” and ignored. After a long period of time (two years), a breakdown occurred after the anniversary.
The fact is that your behavior is akin to affect, when a person holds it in for a long time, and then breaks down and commits rash acts. Correspondence, confession, going to a club and more were done with the goal of getting what you rightly expected from your husband - male attention.
I don’t know all the circumstances, for example: are you fulfilling your husband’s needs, have you spoken about your needs in a sufficiently obvious manner, etc. I don’t want to justify your behavior, I’m just saying that what happened was natural. Responsibility for the relationship is shared equally. Everyone contributed to what happened and either both are doing something to save the family, or it’s still worth thinking hard about, do you need this? It looks very much like your husband is playing on your feelings of guilt and now you are doing everything again, and he is playing the role of a deceived husband. What about responsibility? How is it distributed this time? How did it happen that all the blame is on you and you are the only one wondering about your behavior again? You write that there was one happy day. Only one! And then he decided that the role of the victim suited him better, although if you look at the facts, you are with him, not with your ex. Another important fact is that he has already had such a situation; please note that if the same situation happens to the same person over and over again, then, most likely, he makes a significant contribution to it.
Now from questions, I suggest you move on to actions.
1. Exercise on a piece of paper.
2. Conversation with your husband.
Exercise. (After working through and thinking about this exercise, destroy the piece of paper. This exercise is only for you, do not hesitate to write what you feel, this is necessary to understand yourself).
Take a sheet of paper, lay it horizontally and draw a line (ray) along its entire length. This is your happy, long life. Put three dots. The first point is the beginning of life, the second is the beginning of a relationship with your husband, the third point is the time where you are now, the fourth point is the end of the relationship (we don’t put a fifth point, our life line is a ray, if the end of the relationship with your husband is not expected, then we don’t put fourth point). Do this, then read my answer further.
You have obtained time segments on the life line. Give each segment a name based on the role you assign to yourself (I’m not specifically telling you how to name the segments; think up for yourself what comes to mind first).
It is very important to try to look into the future, beyond the point that represents the moment in time in which you are right now, a segment future life with my husband. Who are you there, who are you for him, who is responsible for the quality of your life, how people around you perceive you, what you have, what you don’t have, what you can do. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself?
Try to do this exercise conscientiously, it can help you sort out your life and understand what role you have in it.
You write that neither you nor he have the opportunity to leave (whose apartment? Do you work? Can you support yourself?). What next - divorced people living together?
You write that you brought him pain and are ready to prove your love. What about your husband? It has brought you pain for several years, what will it do? This is a one-way game, and you need to understand why you agree to this so easily.
If you think that he will forgive you and behave like that one day, then in any case, this needs to be discussed in detail. There are needs that we can sacrifice for the sake of relationships, and there are those without which we can’t get anywhere, and we need to understand and begin to respect this (the assessment of your need was given by your husband - “female cockroaches”, this tells us that the husband does not respect this need , considers it unnecessary, stupid, so he neglects it). How to convey to him that this is important, that this is not stupidity? Talk in a calm atmosphere, seriously, convey the significance of what is happening, establish cause-and-effect relationships: ignoring your needs for a long time → breakdown → changing the situation. Both need to change the situation, not only to prove something to you, but to him to think about why what happened happened. Otherwise, you will face a repeat of the situation and a breakup.
So, is there a chance to fix everything? Yes, if both try. How to behave? Let's add this question: how to lead BOTH OF YOU. Behave in such a way that you don’t want to repeat actions that hurt both of you. What should I do for this? Talk and decide what needs to be done to be happy. If being with you is a sufficient motive for your husband, he will try to give you what you need. Help him with this and support him.
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“You betrayed my trust,” the phrase is similar to a quote from a novel, but how often these banal words break girls’ hearts and put an end to relationships.
A girl who made a mistake suffers from feelings of guilt and toils in search of answers to the question: “How to regain a guy’s trust after a breakup?”
If you betrayed a loved one, but repent of it and want to resume the relationship, be prepared for the fact that this will take a lot of time. Be consistent and patient and then everything will work out.
- Stop;
- Close your eyes;
- Take a deep breath;
- Exhale slowly;
- Think: why do you want to return everything?
Is it love or guilt that pushes you to reconcile with your boyfriend? They say we only value what we lose. But it also happens that this saying works against us.
Don't fool yourself!
The sentimental female soul, oppressed by remorse, begins to idealize the guy and attribute to him qualities that he never had. Try to calm the emotional storm and think rationally.
Sort out all the pros and cons of your relationship without deceiving yourself. And even if after this detailed analysis you will understand that the guy is still dear to you and you need it, start the “Return of your Beloved” plan.
Regain a guy's trust after a lie: a step-by-step plan
First place in the ranking of reasons for couples to break up is deception.
Lying is an attempt to hide some information from a loved one.
Whether you did it for the greater good or out of fear of losing love, the fact remains that you lied.
Didn't your mother warn you as a child that everything secret becomes clear? You want to go back and never commit this terrible act, but it’s too late. Don't despair. You can regain a guy's trust in yourself, although this process will require patience and endurance from you.
- Your first step: Leave him alone. Immediately after a conflict and a showdown, emotions run high, both for him and for you. In such an atmosphere, it is very difficult to convey your point of view to a person and explain the reasons for your misconduct. Go into another room, catch your breath, drink water. You can wash your face and do a couple of breathing exercises.
- Second step: Put yourself in his place. Yes, this advice is very simple, but try to imagine that it was your loved one who deceived and betrayed you. Don't be shy, imagine it in colors. Would you be able to immediately forgive him and still trust him? Be honest with yourself. Think about what the guy's future words and actions would help you regain trust in the relationship and act accordingly.
- Third step: When things calm down, calmly admit your mistake. Don't be too cold-blooded and arrogant, show that you regret what you did and sincerely repent. But don't go too far. Leave the scenes of hand-wringing and lamentation for cheap melodramas. Maintain your self-esteem and never humiliate yourself. You should talk like adults: calmly and to the point. You don't need to remember all his mistakes to justify your own. First of all, admit the guilt to yourself.
- Forget what he told you emotionally and listen carefully to what he tells you now. Perhaps these words will be the key to how you should behave in order to regain his trust.
- Get ready for a break in relationships. Understand that if he truly loves you, your lies have caused him real pain. It takes time to forget about it and trust again. If he suggests taking a break, don't resist or pursue him with "random" meetings and endless calls. Try to disappear from his life for a while.
- Have patience. Lots and lots of patience. Wait for his call. The one who loves will definitely forgive and return.
- There won't be a chance. When given a second chance, remember that there will be no third. Be extremely careful and attentive in your words and actions. Cherish your relationships.
- Trust. Don't show distrust towards the guy. You should not hack his pages on social networks, read his SMS and check his pockets. Don't be annoying. Down with calls every half hour with the stupid question “Where are you?”
By following this plan, you will be able to win back your love and become the best for your guy again.
Note!
Some psychologists believe that it is easier to regain trust in psychologically and financially independent people.
If you depend on your young man financially, he may think that you are speaking to him insincerely, you are simply afraid of being left without support.
The man also has a fear that he will be deceived again.
I cheated on my boyfriend, how to regain trust and is it possible?
Cheating is the most vile betrayal of all that a loved one can commit.
By cheating, you let the guy know that you have found someone better than him, thereby lowering his self-esteem through the roof.
A person who has been cheated on may experience shock and anger and find it difficult to accept what happened.
What to do - I cheated on my boyfriend, how to regain trust?
- Don't go under hot hand . A person who finds out about betrayal is capable of terrible things in a state of passion. Disappear. Let him accept this situation and make his own decision about what to do next.
- After waiting your time, try to talk frankly. Explain the reasons for your action. Whether it was an innocent flirtation, a kiss, or real betrayal, it doesn’t matter. He must understand why this happened, otherwise, even if you restore the relationship, conflicts cannot be avoided.
- Don't rush things. Give him enough time and freedom so that he can decide for himself whether he can be with you and trust you.
- Don't throw tantrums. Don't fall to your knees and beg him to stay. Don't blackmail him with possible suicide or an imaginary pregnancy. Maybe he will take pity on you and stay, but do you need this pity? And cheating on your pregnancy will certainly break your relationship forever.
- Forgive yourself. This is very important. Even if you can’t regain the guy’s trust after cheating, you must let go of this situation. Talk to a close friend or a psychologist, give yourself the opportunity to cry. Accept the fact that what has been done cannot be undone. Move on with your life and take away valuable experience from this situation.
- If you're back together, appreciate your loved one.. Never give him a reason to even think that you might betray him again. Trust him yourself and do not remember this incident.
It doesn’t matter what exactly prompted you to cheat, and you shouldn’t talk about how bad it is. If you still care about your boyfriend, try following these tips to get him back.
After the breakup
You tried everything you could, but you still couldn’t get your loved one back.
Grief overwhelms you and you don’t know how to move on?
Even though it’s hard for you to believe it now, know that everything will be fine.
Sooner or later you will forget him and find new love, in the meantime, try the following tips.
- Don't isolate yourself in my solitude and in my apartment. Go to a friend and have a heart-to-heart talk. Try to cry, often after this it really becomes easier. Getting over a breakup will be easier if you are not alone.
- Pamper yourself. For example, sweet. But there is no need to eat up your stress with kilograms of cakes and sweets. You risk turning into a fat, depressed woman. According to the law of meanness, this is exactly how your ex will meet you. And he will be glad that you broke up.
- Remember your mistakes. And never step on the same rake again. Do not lie, do not betray the trust of your loved one and do not cheat.
- Change your life. Update your wardrobe, change your hair and makeup, if possible, change your home. In the old place, you will constantly remember the moments associated with your love, looking at the dress, remember that you were wearing it when the guy kissed you for the first time. This will inevitably plunge you into a new abyss of sadness. Leave the guy and everything that reminds you of him in the past.
- Take care of yourself. Sign up for a fitness or aerobics class. In addition to the fact that your body will become slim and attractive, you will spend your evenings not in front of the TV, but in the gym. By the way, there is a good chance of meeting a new boyfriend there.
- Take your time make new acquaintances. Believe me, such a relationship will not bring you satisfaction, but will only open up barely healed wounds.
If your relationship is on the rocks because you deceived your guy or cheated on him, how can you regain trust in your relationship with your guy? Don't forget that everything is still possible.
Everything passes and this will pass!
You will need all your endurance and willpower, a lot of patience and time, which, as we know, heals. But don’t forget that your loved one has the right to say goodbye to you.
Understand that life does not end when your loved one passes away. Yes, now you are hurt and offended, you blame only yourself for everything and think that you do not deserve happiness, but this is not so. Very soon the pain will pass, and you will definitely meet new love.
You will be able to find additional information on this topic in the section.
The most common reason for divorce is infidelity by one of the spouses. Often a woman who truly loves tries to forgive her erring husband and understand what led him to cheat. In other cases, the offended spouse does not want to stay with the unfaithful person and leaves. If the husband realizes his mistake, he will try with all his might to keep his beloved.
Let's try to figure out how to get your wife back after cheating, what steps will be correct.
The most common reasons for betrayal in family life, among both spouses, include the following circumstances:
- there is no more love. For most couples, falling in love ends after several years of living together. For some, passion lasts three years, for others, ardent feelings disappear after a year. This doesn't mean you need to change. Relationships are entering a different stage, so not all couples stand the test of time;
- Problems appear not only in relationships, but also at the everyday level. Not all men are ready to help their women. Some people start cheating only to forget about their problems and unwind.
These reasons do not justify the spouse's behavior. Often, when another family problem is resolved and his infatuation with another woman passes, a man tries to justify himself to his wife and stay in the family. But, trust is lost - what to do in such a situation? The main thing is to calm down, then try to start reconciliation with communication.
When two people plan to live together, they expect a long-term, trusting relationship. But it is not always possible to achieve what you want. It is important to understand that relationships can only be strong if there is trust and honest communication. Therefore, after betrayal and realizing your guilt, it is important to know how to regain the trust of a loved one after betrayal.
If a man cheated on his wife, but wants to stay in the family, then first of all you need to talk frankly with your wife. It is very difficult to regain trust and it will take some time. The husband should try to persuade his wife to use the following recommendations:
If a guy is thinking about how to get a girl back after cheating, then first of all you need to call her for a conversation, try to convince your beloved of the sincerity of your words.
Men sometimes commit adultery only because they do not find understanding at home. In any case, one spouse cannot be accused of cheating. If a husband or wife begins to look for entertainment on the side, then both are to blame.
How to regain your wife's trust after betrayal and improve a shaky relationship? Try the following recommendations:
- show and prove how much you love your spouse. Give compliments, admire your woman, shower her with flowers, surprise her;
- try to be more patient, because your woman agreed to listen to you, which means she still loves you. Give her time to accept the situation, forgive you completely, and then you can hope to get your wife back;
- Be sincere not only in your conversations, but also in your actions.
If you ask for forgiveness, do it more persistently and be sure to be sincere. From the first conversations, perhaps the wife will be angry and offended. And that's okay. You should be wary if a woman indifferently listens to your explanations with apologies. This behavior indicates that your spouse is unlikely to forgive you and take you back.
If the husband cheated and wants to regain his wife’s trust and get her back, then he will have to work hard. And talking alone is not enough - changes in relationships are needed.
Add to your family life a little variety. Let these be familiar things, but done differently:
- spend evenings together, but not sitting at home on the couch;
- try cooking food together. Cooking food together brings you closer together, and you can talk during the process.
But how to regain a girl’s trust after cheating, if it was a repeated affair? Even in such a situation, reconciliation is possible. Try the following recommendations:
- try not to meet with your mistress again under any circumstances;
- Go on vacation with your wife to places where you don’t have mutual friends. Traveling together to unknown places will help restore shaken relationships;
- talk more, don’t hide your desires from each other. If a problem appears, try to find a solution to fix it.
Alternatively, you can start renovating the apartment. Joint efforts, selection and purchasing building materials- all this will help take your mind off mutual grievances and disputes.
The most severe pain It passes, it just takes time. Don't rush your loved one, give her time to calm down. If a woman continues to love, she will forgive her husband for his infidelity and return.
Women love to idealize their men. And if you don’t know how to get your loved one back after cheating, then the most best option- become an ideal husband for her. To do this you need very little:
- try to make your wife see you not as an ex-unfaithful husband, but as a reliable man. A woman needs a man who she can lean on in difficult times, and who will help in any situation;
- give up bad habits;
- work on your character.
The wife should see that despite the betrayal, you are trying to win her back, to become ideal. Even if you live separately after cheating, your spouse will notice your efforts. She herself will wonder what will happen next if her husband is changing before her eyes, and perhaps his wife will want to return.
A man becomes desperate when he has no support. The woman is most likely reassured by relatives and friends. And an unfaithful husband is unlikely to receive not only help - it is difficult for him to hope for verbal support.
- In such a difficult situation, you need to try not to lose heart and continue to believe that everything will work out and your wife can be returned. Stick to it following rules, and everything will be fine:
- after the incident, talk to your loved one calmly, without unnecessary emotions. Don't try to blame her or prove that you're right. Forget all grievances and omissions;
- It is important to understand that a deceived woman will not want to renew her relationship with a man who constantly whines. All the more unacceptable are hysterics with scandals in attempts to return your beloved;
- do not rule out the possibility that your woman will try to take revenge on you. She may have already found a replacement for you, or is trying to find one. If this happens, then accept her decision, don’t argue. It will be almost impossible to return it. But it’s still worth talking about it.
When will a woman understand that last word for her, she will be grateful to you. This will once again emphasize how repentant you are. Having gained independence and the opportunity to decide whether to return or not, the woman will definitely think about the answer and make a decision.
In any case, there is no need to rush. Take advantage of the time during which your wife makes a decision and try not to repeat such mistakes again.
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