Since we can traditionally expand our communication on weekends, I chose to discuss very interesting article. We all work with people, and the topic of rudeness concerns us too. Psychologists review cases and advise how to behave in such situations.

And in our group there are some who allow themselves to be rude. They even sorted out my biography and questioned my intelligence. So who has higher intelligence: me, who remained silent, or the so-called lawyers, whose dubious behavior was obvious. And they are still their dubious higher education put at the forefront! I was very upset that no one stood up for me.

Gazeta.Ru selected five stories about rudeness and asked experts in the field of psychology to comment on them.

Story one: “Quickly bring me a chair here”

“Very often, people who are offended by fate try to compensate for their failures by humiliating those they encounter through the nature of their work: security guards, concierges, workers of various social authorities, saleswomen... Recently my child got sick, he had a fever, and we had to call the local pediatrician. From the very threshold she began to behave like a noblewoman. She commanded “bring me a chair here quickly” and put her bag on it. I handed her new shoe covers, but she literally threw them back to me and said that she didn’t have time to “put this on”: “If I spend time on this in every apartment, I will have no time to work.”

She walked straight into the children's room in dirty boots, across the white carpet, leaving black footprints. Then she started yelling at my child because he quietly said how old he was, then she didn’t like that we called her home with a temperature of 37.5. “With such a temperature we could have come to the appointment.” .(This is in winter, in the cold!) And so on, everything like that. At the same time, she constantly emphasized that she works for pennies.

I couldn’t stand it and said: “Well, leave if you don’t like this job and your salary so much.” Why are you taking it out on children and their parents, they are not to blame for anything?” She called me hysterical, said that I needed to go check with a psychiatrist and that she would never come to us on call again. I just don’t know how to behave in this situation and generally how to deal with such people in order to put them in their place. And in general, is it possible to do this or are such people not susceptible to any influence?”
Mother

Let us immediately decide that in the format of these comments, in principle, it is impossible to fully discuss such a capacious problem as rudeness, so we will call the following comments simply notes in the margins.

As always, there are two sides to a conflict: people for whom such behavior is considered the norm and its observers. On the first side, everything is more or less clear. These people grow here like mushrooms on the fertile soil of modern Russian dependency, indulgence in laziness, lack of culture, the predominance of material values ​​over spiritual values, suppression of personal freedoms, self-respect and self-realization. A doctor who has studied for many years in order to hate his own profession, his patients and himself, besides unconditional censure, deserves pity. The one that will humiliate her even more and lead to a moral dead end. She does not believe in her ability to be respected, loved, honored, compares her wealth with each of her patients, tries to somehow compensate for her defective sense of self, humiliating and despising others.

Do you think she can be defeated? She has long since defeated herself, like millions of other Russians who do not see their tomorrow and do not believe that anyone will hear them, that someone needs them, that their vote in the just-held vote can change something. Is it worth fighting with the effect, and not with the cause of the phenomenon?

How should the other side behave? Of course, feeling different, better, more civilized, fairer, I want to be heard. But, if this is so, then why impose your understanding of life and decency on others? Isn’t it better not to spoil the nerves of either yourself or the doctor, but simply defend your rights where they can be heard and implemented?

In this case, it is completely useless to re-educate the doctor. But if you consider her behavior dishonest and inconsistent with medical ethics, then you should write a statement to management or the health department and thereby try to protect not only yourself, but also your neighbors from such unobtrusive service from such a doctor. But we are too lazy to contact. And impunity triumphs. The slavish psychology of humility permeates us through and through, and we continue to indulge unprofessionalism, allowing such people to continue not to think about the need for changes in themselves.

Exists large number people who have had to deal with a similar situation. Let's look at the most common mistakes. What's the problem? But the problem is that a note of dissatisfaction or irritation in the voice gives rise to a similar response from the interlocutor. What you gave is what you received.

Is allowing someone to behave in an insolent or inappropriate manner normal behavior? Of course not. The residue of discontent, anger, irritation will have its effect for a long time negative influence. What factors shape normal behavior? The first is adequate self-esteem. The second is a clear knowledge of your rights and the rights of your interlocutor. Third, the ability to defend one’s boundaries in a socially correct manner.

What could be the behavior in such a situation? The child’s mother could say: “Dear Mrs. Doctor. I respect you and your profession, which is very significant for each of us. “In addition, I understand how difficult it is for you, but in this situation I will ask you to respect us and the rules that exist in our family.” After that, list the main principles. And in conclusion, you can say: “If you are not ready for such interaction, we will use the services of another specialist.” Thank you again for your understanding." It is possible that the child’s mother will lose contact with this doctor, but she will definitely retain her self-esteem. And it’s easy to live with this feeling.

Story two: “Here you sit, if you want to”

“What infuriates me the most are people who always and everywhere jump in line. Because of such impudence, you also begin to behave like a market trader. But how else can you scare them away?! Recently I was sitting in line at the tax office, I arrived at eight in the morning and I’ve been waiting for two hours. And then the lady in furs brazenly walks, without stopping, opens the door and walks in. I would never have succeeded, I probably wouldn’t have had the self-control.

I thought that the tax officers would kick her out of the office, but she remains there, despite the fact that there is already a visitor in the office, and when he leaves, the tax officers attend to her. As a result, she comes out with a satisfied, arrogant expression on her face, which simply reads in plain text: “Yes, I had you all.”

I said to her: “Why are you jumping in line, people sit here for hours?” And she replies: “Here you sit, if you want.” He turns and leaves. At such moments, you just want to do something that will unbalance such a boorish person and throw her off this pedestal. For example, pour a can of paint or something like that onto her wonderful fur coat. As a result, I thought about this incident for the rest of the day, replayed the situation in my head, came up with various ways revenge. I actually spent the entire day on this woman. At the same time, I clearly understand that she is not worth my thoughts, but I can’t help myself, and this upsets me even more than all the rudeness in the world.”
Alena

Commented by Vadim Kurov, psychotherapist

In this situation, everything is still more subtle and confusing than it seems at first glance. For a lady who has skipped the queue, the fact is obvious that she cannot afford to exist without showing her superiority over others. It is very important for her to be constantly on the lookout for new evidence that she is superior to others, thereby emphasizing her achievements and successes. And if they don’t exist, she just goes away like bubble, and she no longer has arguments in favor of what she lives for, what is the meaning of her being in the world. It is empty without these doses of adrenaline, conflicts, Pyrrhic victories. If she has a pedestal, then we only help her climb onto it, worrying about her behavior and actions.

The narrator of this story dragged her in the shower “all day”, at some point she even envied her cunning, worried about her inability to do the same or give an adequate rebuff. Yes, the boorish woman got past you faster, but you also gave her the most important thing - attention and emotional support, allowing her to drive you crazy. You can't imagine a greater gift for them. Keep your composure, and if you really feel numb, then express yourself. But not in order to shame or re-educate such people, but in caring for oneself, in order to remove the burden from the soul.

Take care of yourself - that's the main thing. She taught you a lesson that you can apply later: either check with such people in the future where they are in such a hurry, or, if justice is important to you, block their path. Calm and composed. They understand only strength, and the strength of a well-mannered person is endurance and self-control.

Psychologist-psychotherapist Konstantin Pisarevsky comments

Reading this letter, I remembered the parable of three monks who, looking at the sea, each thought to himself. One looked with joy at the waves splashing off the shore, another neutrally reflected on everyday worries, and the third thought with annoyance about when this excitement would end. Three people looking at the same event experienced completely different emotions. Alain can be understood. She is trying to defend her boundaries, her right to a turn. But was her behavior correct? How satisfied is she with the result? How comfortable is it for her to experience the feeling of revenge?

She is the judge. I would advise you to switch - it doesn’t matter what, the main thing is that your attention should be directed to a different situation, where you can emotionally “cool down” and come to your senses. Accept the imperfections of this world for yourself. Let him be who he is. Allow him to be perfect in his imperfection.

But what to do if a residue of discontent and irritation is still present in your soul? Use the little tricks that are available in modern psychotherapy. Just look at this situation from the outside, as if watching a scene from your life, where you are the main character. Of course, this will not completely get rid of negative feelings, but it will definitely improve your emotional state.

Story three: “Mare, you should sit at home, not drive”

You probably won’t find such rudeness as on Moscow roads anywhere. Recently, during rush hour, I was driving on one of the Moscow streets in the rightmost lane. I want to say right away that I adequately assess my driving skills - I am not a racer, and therefore usually, if there is a high-speed highway, I never occupy the right lane and do not stop those who are driving fast. But here there is a dense stream of cars ahead and behind too, so it makes absolutely no difference in which row you stand.

Suddenly, a large black SUV changes lanes behind my car and starts flashing its high beams and honking its horn. To be honest, at first I didn’t even understand what he needed from me. It turns out that in this way he demanded that I urgently change lanes into the adjacent dense traffic flow and let him pass. After I didn’t do this, he squeezed into the next row and, when he caught up with my car, opened the window and shouted: “Mare, you should sit at home, not drive.”

Then he suddenly changed lanes right in front of me (I thought he would scratch my car) and then began flashing his headlights and honking at the cars ahead. Someone let him through, didn’t want to get involved, someone didn’t let him through, and then he changed lanes into the next row and acted according to my scheme. I wonder if such people have at least something human in them? Maybe I should have covered him with three layers so that he would understand that he shouldn't behave like that? It just seems to me that as long as those around them silently swallow their rudeness, they will feel like kings.
Veronica

Commented by Vadim Kurov, psychotherapist

And another example of a little man who craves your attention and devours your emotions. True, if you let him devour them. These are the rudiments of the “new Russian” boys who acquired everything material quickly and aggressively. But somehow we didn’t have time to do spiritual, mental and moral things. And it turned out to be more difficult. They have children, servants, employees. And they all endure such monsters and gain experience in how to live. These little “fat kids”, derivatives of emptiness, thirsty for the spotlight. Do not give them attention, emotions (especially negative ones) and remember that you have the right to live in a world where they do not exist. Look through them, talk through them, don't let them get over you by worrying about their behavior or speech.

If you can't actually win on their field, have your own. The worst thing for them is to look funny or absurd, but humor is a weapon of rare sharpness and skill. Study and they will seem to you like pathetic, mischievous puppies. But I wouldn’t advise you to re-educate them. This is a very thankless task. Let them live on this planet, as if in parallel world. Don't worry about what, how or where they feel. Attention to yourself and only yourself.

Psychologist-psychotherapist Konstantin Pisarevsky comments

The situation that Veronica writes about is quite common on Moscow roads. And, unfortunately, it is difficult to overcome it. And is she capable of it? Are there not enough examples of showdowns with fists, bats, and traumatic pistols? And if we talk about stereotypes regarding women driving in our society, we will have to touch on a separate topic.

In real Russian reality, there is a superbly working rule, the meaning of which lies in the three “Ds”: give way to the fool. And perhaps the wisdom of this rule extends far beyond the highway, so let Veronica reframe the problem. Let her set herself a task that will be aimed not at the desire to throw the “boor” off the pedestal, but at maintaining her emotional calm. This can be achieved by asking yourself the question: “How can I make myself feel as comfortable as possible when being in such situations”? There will be a goal, and, as they say, the means will be found.

Story four: “Busy here!”

The rudeness of our compatriots is most clearly manifested somewhere on vacation among Europeans. The difference in mentality is clearly felt. Here is an eloquent example. My son and I were on vacation in Turkey. We specifically chose a hotel where there are usually few Russians and mostly Germans, but there are still a small number of Russians. Breakfast, sold out, all tables occupied. You could, of course, wait it out and come later, but we are on an excursion and need to quickly throw something inside and be on the bus in fifteen minutes.

We see a free table, an obese lady is sitting at it, apparently alone. I come up and ask if I can sit down. “It’s busy here!” she answers me rudely and with pressure. “Can I at least take some chairs,” I ask. “Yes, you’re welcome,” the lady answers in the same tone and I finally understand that she will sit at the table alone. However, there is no desire to fight for a place. The child and I, with chairs in one hand and a plate in the other hand, walk along the tables and look for free space. Suddenly the Germans, whose table was actually complete (there were four of them sitting), moved and motioned for us to sit down. All this was done cordially, from the heart, with a smile. Is rudeness really just our national trait? When you think about this, it becomes very offensive for the nation.
Karina

The main strength of rudeness and rudeness is that they are contagious. These unnecessary, but ubiquitous emotional viruses are transmitted from one person to another, and sometimes one word or even a glance is enough for this. It doesn’t matter where the threat comes from - from passers-by on the street, passengers in transport, salespeople in the local supermarket or close friends, there are several excellent ways to increase your immunity to rudeness and rudeness.

Remember that rudeness is rarely directed at you personally

The behavior of others rarely depends on us and is even less often directed at us. Especially in the case of rudeness. There are not many people in the world who wake up in the morning with the thought: “today I will definitely be rude to my downstairs neighbor.” Most often, harsh words and rude gestures are a mechanism for countering the same rudeness from others or the result of weakness and self-doubt.

The most common reason to be rude to your neighbor for no reason is a chain reaction. How often unexpected rudeness made each of us lose control of ourselves and “take it out” on others. But it is important to always remember that our behavior depends on ourselves, and not on neighbors or a rude clinic worker who does not know how to behave. We cannot control the behavior of other people, but we have absolute control over our thoughts and actions. Isn't this a comforting thought?

Choose the opposite reaction

To break the “chain reaction” when you feel unjustifiably angry, you need to stop and force yourself to do something completely opposite to the impulse to be rude. It’s not easy, but after the first minute it becomes easier, and if you force yourself to smile at the same time, the negative emotions will completely disappear.

You should not perceive your reluctance or inability to be rude to others as a sign of weakness. By refusing to be led by negative emotions, you protect your psychological and emotional balance. Following this simple rule, over time, you will notice that you have developed absolute immunity to rudeness and rudeness. After all, it is much better to sow good, bright, eternal things instead of discord.

Perseverance doesn't have to be rude

There are times when a positive attitude and kind words are not enough, because boorish behavior and rudeness are not always limited only to words. It's probably best not to start an argument if someone has jumped the line or squeezed into traffic, but there are situations when someone's rudeness needs to be responded to with firmness.

For example, a colleague attributed his mistake to you, and now you are responsible for it. In such a situation, ignoring the problem or a few kind words will not provide a solution. However, reciprocal rudeness will only worsen relationships in the team and ruin everyone’s mood. Coming up with your own little meanness “out of spite” or to teach a lesson will bring you moral satisfaction for no more than an hour, then you will feel even worse. In such difficult situations, you should do the following:

• Tell the bully directly what you think of his behavior and how it affected you professionally and emotionally.
• Distance yourself from the person who offended you.
• If these actions do not convince the offender to change the situation, inform management about the incident, maintaining a calm and matter-of-fact tone. This is not weakness or sneaking - it is your right to defend yourself and your professional activities.

Use psychological tricks

If you have a hard time not being rude back, try one or more of the following tricks:

• Imagine that you are hugging someone who has been rude to you. Try to sympathize with him and imagine what could make him behave this way. This action will instantly reduce your negative attitude towards the person.
• Clearly define your emotions. Objectively evaluate each of the emotions that overwhelm you, name it and find the reason. This exercise will calm you down and shift the focus from the bully to you personally.
• Find the little child in you and talk to him. Giving in external influence negative emotions, we in many ways behave like children, raising a cry with or without reason. Growing up, we stop crying over an unbought toy because our perspective expands, we understand that now, besides toys, there are other important things, much more important things. When you are ready to be rude to someone, turn to your inner child and show him how insignificant this anger is compared to other things and emotions.

Just a little ability to calm ourselves down and look at the situation from the outside can help us maintain composure and emotional balance in the face of the most causeless and offensive rudeness.

Parents teach their children to treat other people politely. The children are taught the rules of cultural behavior: do not be rude to elders, treat younger ones with respect. But, unfortunately, not all people follow such recommendations. For some, rudeness is the main way to prove to another person that you are right. This situation can be encountered anywhere: in transport, in a store, at work. Harsh words hurt deeply, and you don’t always immediately know what to answer to the offender. And the mood for the whole day is ruined. To prevent such situations from happening, you should know how to react to rudeness.

What are the reasons? Rudeness is a special desire to insult an interlocutor or others by action or word. Moreover, it is based on irresponsibility and anonymity. If you ask a boor about his position, place of work, last name, the tone of his conversation will noticeably change.It is thanks to impunity that rudeness flourishes so much. Previously, a person encountered unpleasant treatment in a store, at work, and in some public places. Today, with the increase in the number of cars and the expansion social networks Misbehavior is becoming more common.

To know how to react to rudeness, you need to understand what its causes are. So, psychologists believe that rude behavior is characteristic of the following categories of people:

1) Persons who did not receive enough love in childhood. In this case, a person tries to be noticed by others. After all, he always experiences a lack of attention, love, and communication. These are people who were not praised in childhood and were not given time to communicate with them. After all, every child needs the love and understanding of their parents. Not receiving the necessary affection and warmth in the usual, natural way, the baby resorts to rude, terrible behavior. And it is at this time that parents achieve what they want - they react to him, begin to indulge him. This method is formed in the child’s mind as the only way to attract attention. Accordingly, a person continues to use it in adulthood.

2) People seeking self-affirmation. This picture is observed if the interlocutor cannot answer adequately. In this case, the rude person rises in his own eyes and continues to humiliate the person with even greater force. Thus, he tries to assert himself. Often this situation arises if the rude person is a boss who has even minimal power, or the boor for certain reasons causes fear in the interlocutor.

3) A state of despair, disappointment, fatigue. In such a situation, even a cultured person can lose his temper and become rude. Of course, this will be followed by an apology. And here it all depends on the culture of behavior of the interlocutor. A well-mannered person will accept an apology and the conflict will be resolved. But if the collision occurred with a boor, then he will already be on edge. No amount of apologies will help here.

1. Try not to let the rude person take control of the situation. No matter what the status of your opponent, you have the right to demand respect for yourself. Let the insolent person understand this.

2. How to react to rudeness if the rude person is so passionate about his game that he completely loses control? In this case, put it back in place. Try to moderate this person's ardor. You should not accumulate negative emotions. Otherwise, you will take it out on your family and friends at home. In addition, many rude people fully believe in impunity. Try to dispel this myth. However, do not cross the line of what is acceptable, do not lose control. Otherwise, you will sink to the level of an ill-mannered person. Your “performance” should not be demonstrative. Avoid waving your arms or shouting loudly.

3. Don’t take all negative phrases personally. Just sympathize with the rude person. Such a person is dissatisfied with life. Therefore he deserves pity. A person who stoops to rudeness has a weak character. Therefore, how can her insults be taken seriously? Completely ignore all the negativity that has been addressed to you.

4. Respond to rudeness with humor. Try to joke about the person’s attempts to offend or humiliate you. You can even smile in response to the impudence. By doing this you will let the rude person know that his comments are indifferent to you. Your malicious smile will provoke a storm of indignation. Just laugh in such a person's face. He will understand that he failed and did not cause a negative reaction from you in return. You can “finish off” your opponent with the following phrases: “Did something hurt you?”, “Why were you so nervous?” Try to last word is left to you.

5. Show pity. A rude person is fueled by the energy of conflict. Therefore, a polite, intelligent and completely adequate person, having heard rudeness, will not respond in kind. He will ignore such treatment. A great way to suppress negativity is to feel sorry for such a person. Do not forget that often such people did not receive proper upbringing and care from their parents in childhood. They are usually unsuccessful in life. They are not liked by the opposite sex. They deserve compassion. Therefore, your non-standard attitude to the situation will completely destroy the plans of the energy vampire to “feed” on experiences and nerves.

6. Use your imagination. If a rude person expresses everything he thinks to your face, try to imagine that this person is behind glass. You don't hear what he says. This technique is quite a funny tactic. After all, you see how the rude man moves his lips, waves his arms, but you don’t catch a single word.

7. Talk to the person. Sometimes situations arise when it is impossible to ignore, let alone ridicule, rudeness. This applies to communication with loved ones, friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. In such cases, it is better to talk frankly with the person. Try to find out what happened to him today, how is his health. You will understand what provoked this behavior. In addition, allow the rude person to look at himself from the outside and rethink unworthy communication.

8. Be positive. Rudeness is the lot of people with a negative worldview. Therefore, try to control your thoughts. Don't attract disrespect.

And most importantly: be confident in yourself! Only this model of behavior makes it possible to get out of any situation gracefully, while fully maintaining your own dignity and not feeling like a victim.

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Every person is emotional. Some express their emotions more clearly, others weaker, but sooner or later everyone allows themselves to lash out at others. If a person has an explosive temperament, then such breakdowns appear quite often.

To release emotions, a person does not have to get into difficult situation, the slightest reason is enough for him. A person defends himself, his freedom, fights injustice in ways available to him.

If a melancholic person can build a web and slowly take revenge on the offender, then a choleric person needs to immediately throw everything out. Hysterics, scandals, rudeness are usually caused by the fact that a person is dissatisfied with his life and sees only that the whole world is against him. He defends himself with rudeness and chews out his own happiness. And there is also banal bad manners. A person communicates with rudeness, for him these are just words seasoned with the spices of emotions.

Why does a person take it out on you? Often there is no need to even look for a reason. He breaks down because he is ill-mannered, offended or a cowardly introvert.

So how to respond to unfair attacks directed at you? In the first seconds, it is difficult to pull yourself together and begin to implement an intelligent plan for victory. Or should I immediately admit defeat and wash my hands of it? Or maybe answer the same?

Responding with rudeness to rudeness simply begins a fraud in which there are two to blame.

No one from the outside will admit that one of the two is right, but will consider the two rivals equally ill-mannered. The battlefield will eventually become a battlefield, which means fights, beatings and protracted showdowns. From a “victim” who was undeservedly attacked, you will become the same boor and rude person. Therefore we need to find correct exits from the current situation. Graceful, intelligent, sharp and fast. This is already a piece of jewelry and it’s better to know the scenario in advance.

Erase from life

This method is simple and accessible, as a rule, it applies to random people. Well, they were rude to you on the bus, turn away and forget.

A person splashes out aggression on strangers when he is completely dissatisfied with life. You just need to feel sorry for such people.

They walk in lines, rush around crowded places and spew rudeness at anyone. This is how they live and thank God, they are strangers to you. So there is only one way out - turn around, leave and forget. Sometimes you have to cut out loved ones from your life. If your spouse is constantly rude to you, then think about whether you are going through life with the right person? If your boss is always rude, humiliating and rude? Think about it, is it really possible that the world has come together like a wedge on this job?

The remaining four methods relate to the situation when you decide to live with a boor, but make sure that his rudeness towards you stops.

Regret

A person is rude because he is dissatisfied with himself, not with you. He shouts out something that really hurts him. He thinks he will hit your pain points because he knows about his own. What does a person want? Just to be pitied. It's like a child who makes a scandal to be picked up.

If your close and dear person is a boor, and this does not happen often, then just know that he is feeling bad now. And he takes it out on you because you are dear to him.

It seems absurd, but it's true. The most loved ones get the most. If you love a boor, then be with him not only when he feels good, but also when he feels bad.

Give him care in return and you will see that in a few minutes he will gratefully accept your support and apologize for his attacks.

When such a “boor” is rude, he complains and talks about his pain. Do you like it? Have pity.

Mirror

The “mirror” method always works in many psychological techniques.

If you want to gain the favor of your interlocutor, mirror his movements. If you want to attract the attention of a guy/girl, mirror their laughter, gaze and facial expressions.

You can do the same with boors. The “monster” must see its reflection. Mirror the boor completely: repeat after him the meaning of what was said, gestures, postures, timbre of voice, etc. One exception - replace all obscene words with literary ones.

Try to convey to your opponent the meaning of his claims as intelligently as possible, but just as loudly and emotionally, without the color of offensive words.

You address the boor with emphasized and even pompous politeness, remember as before: “Would you be kind, sir?” Perhaps this is too much, but sometimes it works like a tub cold water on the hot-headed boor.

The second option of mirroring is when you, like a parrot, pronounce everything after the offender, endowing the words with brightness, laughter and sarcasm.

Take everything to the point of absurdity. “You say that I’m a fool, well, you probably know better with your secondary education.” “You say that I haven’t had a woman for a long time, well, there’s no need to keep candles at home.” The phrases are given with literary reference in mind, but we think you understand which channel you need to follow.

Put in place

Bite him on the sore spot, but as if playfully. You can invent this place; you don’t have to know the pain points. The main thing is to keep a smile on your face and indicate the location loudly and clearly.

For example, to the most banal “places”: “What fly bit you?”, “Did you get off on the wrong foot?”, “Are you completely worn out by your mortgage, are you already turning gray with anger?”, “Are you starving, are you already throwing yourself at people?”. Let the boor understand that in your eyes his place when he is boorish is somewhere between cattle and Down. Show him that you do not consider him worthy of communication. Put it down with disdain.

On a beautiful summer day, my friend and I decided to go to the beach. The weather is wonderful, the mood is great, the bus is air conditioned. And then some passenger, passing by us, utters a rude phrase that it is not at all necessary to stand on the aisle, they say, they blocked the passage of the pigs. A slight shock gave way to a spoiled mood. Thank God, it passed quickly, but the incident made me think: how to react to rudeness and rudeness, and at the same time not ruin the mood of your beloved?

Transport, work, random passers-by can become a source of rudeness or outright rudeness, which will unsettle you for a long time. So we studied the advice of psychologists and this is what we found out.

Why are people rude?

Psychologists are sure that with the help of rudeness, stubbornness, rudeness, a person tries to force others to respect him. This way you can significantly raise your status and show strength, the rude man is sure. In fact, it is evidence of human frailty. A rude person does not have enough patience, dignity, or confidence to win favor in other ways.

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If you are rude and insulted

Is it even worth responding to rudeness? Imagine the situation: in the forest you came across a stump that for some reason you wanted to kick. And everyone who is not too lazy does this (and many people are not too lazy, as most people admitted). The further development of events depends on the stump itself: if it is rotten and partially falls apart, the next desire of the kicker will be the final destruction of the stump. No one needs it: you can’t sit on it and it’s not good for firewood. What if the stump is still hard? You could even hurt your leg! Now imagine that the stump is you (sorry for the unflattering comparison), and the one who kicks it is your offender.

If people react violently to barbs and insults, the rude person, at all costs, wants to break these people like a rotten stump. If the victim remains calm, he won’t want to pester him next time. Such reactions can be observed especially clearly in children. Therefore, if you do not respond to rudeness as the offender wants, he will very soon leave you alone.

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Sometimes you still need to respond to rudeness

Sometimes we are unsettled by tactless questions or statements from friends and strangers. Why aren't you married yet? How old are you? Oh, are you well again? This is real rudeness, but often the person asking such questions does not understand it himself. How to react to such attacks?

The best way out would be to answer a question with a question. You may ask, “Why are you interested in this?” Or: “Why do you need to know such details from my personal life?. Or even say: “Sorry, but I don’t want to answer.” It turns out both direct and polite.

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How to respond to rudeness

In order to properly respond to rudeness and rudeness, psychologists recommend mastering assertive behavior techniques. It sounds scientifically incomprehensible, but in fact, mastering this technique is not difficult. You will not allow your emotions to take over you and will calmly respond to unfriendly attacks. To do this, you yourself need to say out loud the shortcomings of which you are accused. This is very effective because it does not meet the expectations of the offender, who expected to hear an angry reaction and is already internally prepared for a small or large battle. But he hears: “Yes, it’s my fault, I moved the documents to another place, but forgot to warn.” After this, there will be a pause, since the person accusing you will not immediately answer this (he was preparing for completely different events). And if, when the stupor passes, he continues to blame you again, agree with his opinion, and he again has no trump cards left - you agree with him, it is simply useless to continue to be rude. If the offender finds the strength to continue a one-sided argument, he will look, to put it mildly, unattractive in the eyes of the team. You will be viewed as a victim of unfair treatment, even if you are truly at fault.

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What to do in response to rudeness from strangers?

Don't confuse rudeness and criticism. If criticism, even harsh criticism, is always aimed at some result, then rudeness is one of the types of unjustified aggression that is directed at a specific person or group of people. When you are rude, it is, of course, unpleasant, but you can and should learn to react without losing your self-esteem.

• Don't notice

The best thing you can do is ignore the boor. If you pretend you didn't hear him and act like it doesn't concern you, he will lose interest in you and look for something else to direct his aggression at. After all, boors are waiting for a response. And the more emotional she is, the more actively they will be rude to you.

There is no need to show your offense. In the end, this is exactly what the boor wanted. Why give him pleasure? Say that his words are unpleasant to you, but nothing more.

• Regret

If you can’t leave barbs and insults unnoticed, take pity on the offender. After all, if he does this, he is inadequate. He has some problems. This man is truly unhappy. He is not loved, not cared for, not listened to by his parents, and perhaps by his chosen ones. So he tries to compensate for everything with rudeness, which he considers defensive reaction. If you treat him like he's poor, his plans for you will change dramatically. The main thing is that your reaction does not serve as an excuse for the offender.

• Load with philosophy or respond with a joke

If someone is rude to you, you can respond with a complex, clever phrase. Ask the offender some smart question head-on, preferably even if it is rhetorical. It is unlikely that the rude person will understand what exactly they want from him, but he will definitely stop. For example: “Confucius said that good should be answered with good, and evil should be answered with justice. Do you think the great Confucius was right?”

To respond to rudeness with a subtle joke is aerobatics. But if jokes on the topic don’t come to mind, make a sympathetic and cheerful expression on your face, in which the rude person will read the words “What a fool!” in his address. Or answer like this: “Are you being rude, my friend? Why? Do you want to offend me or something? And why do you need this?

• Ignore

Unfortunately, there is so much rudeness in our world that the most best way to answer it is to show indifference. If you avoid rude people, your life will be much easier. You can learn not to react to others using the following meditation: “I am a leaf on the side of the road. Everyone passes by, no one notices me.” Repeat this phrase to yourself if you become the object of a boor's attention.

• Respond to rudeness with rudeness

“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”? We deliberately put this method at the end, since it has a significant drawback, although reacting to rudeness this way is the first thing that usually comes to mind. If you put a rude person in his place by responding in kind, you sink to his level and do not maintain your self-esteem. Responding to rudeness with rudeness - shortcut to being branded a boor himself.

So, rudeness begins when you are ready to tolerate it. If you don't intend to do it, you won't be rude, regardless of whether you hear it or not. Free people do not tolerate rudeness. If you hear derogatory statements towards your people or country, if you are poorly served in a cafe, if you hear blatant lies addressed to you, do not tolerate such treatment. This does not mean that you should respond to rudeness with rudeness; we have considered a lot of other ways. After all, you are a free person. And only people with a slavish perception of reality tolerate it. But there is one case when you don’t need to react to rudeness at all. This is rudeness on the Internet.

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How to respond to rudeness on the Internet

Here we regularly encounter negative comments and aggressive attacks that are in the nature of text messages. Many people get very upset about this. There was a time when I myself went to the forum 20 times a day to check if my abuser had left me new public messages, and in between visits, I thought in my head what I would write in response to her next attack.

In fact, it is completely absurd to be upset, since these emotions are directed into emptiness. Understand and accept that these people are completely unhealthy, as evidenced by the excess of aggression that they splash out on the Internet. How do we treat sick people? That's right, we feel sorry for them.

Therefore, you should not react to rudeness on the Internet. After all, such people need your attention, they strive to attract it to themselves. And when we give attention to something, we give our own energy. By getting into an argument with these people, you are giving them what they need. With your answers you reinforce them, support them aggressive reaction. So that they stop throwing out aggression on Internet users, behave with them as is customary with small children when they behave like hooligans. Ignore completely - this is the best tactic. Moreover, it is generally unknown who, and he is located unknown where, and has nothing to do with you personally. It’s another matter if you and a loved one had an argument online. Here it is better to meet face to face and discuss the problems that have arisen.

There are people who real life They constantly suppress aggression within themselves, but from time to time they splash it out on the Internet. The reason is clear, because the World Wide Web is an anonymous environment. But these are personal problems of those people who have nothing to do with you. Therefore, save your energy, you will need it for more important things.