In ordinary consciousness, the phenomenon of violence is identified, as a rule, with aggressive actions, including the use of physical force. However, in a situation of violence as a type of aggressive behavior, the purpose of which is to cause harm to another person, along with actions of a physical nature, there are also types of violence such as sexual, economic, and psychological.
Psychological violence is an influence aimed at loved one in order to establish their power over him. To achieve this, the following tools are systematically used:
Reproaches and abuse;
disdainful attitude;
intimidation;
insults and ridicule;
control over activities, daily routine, social circle;
coercion to perform humiliating acts.
Psychological violence is violence that consists of influencing a person’s psyche through intimidation and threats in order to break the victim’s will to resist, to defend their rights and interests. In addition to the term " psychological violence"In the scientific literature one can also find such similar concepts as " psychological aggression" And " emotional abuse».
Psychological abuse is present in almost all other cases of domestic violence, but it is difficult to diagnose. If all other forms of violence are easily identified because they have clear physiological consequences, then obvious signs The psychological effects are rarely visible, and the consequences can be extremely severe. The breadth and sophistication of forms of psychological violence makes their classification much more difficult. In addition, psychological violence quite often occurs not on its own, but together with other types of violence.
Indicators of the existence of psychological violence in relationships between men and women are often experienced by one of the partners in the process of communication, such as tension, anxiety, self-doubt, powerlessness, dependence, hopelessness, guilt, fear, powerlessness, inferiority.
Forms of manifestation of psychological violence
In terms of its semantic content, psychological violence corresponds to the following: methods of psychological influence:
Explicit or direct dominance
- manipulation.
Domination- this is treating another person as a thing or a means of achieving one’s goals, ignoring his interests and intentions. The desire to possess, control, gain unlimited unilateral advantage. Open, without disguise, imperative influence - from violence, suppression to suggestion, order.
In this case, one subject of the relationship encourages the other to submit to himself and accept goals that are not consistent with his own aspirations and desires. A dominant position includes such manifestations of behavior as: self-confidence, independence, authority, demonstration of one’s own importance, and the ability to insist on one’s own. Such a person strives for competition, has contempt for weakness and expresses the need for strength for its own sake. In communication, he rarely supports his interlocutor, as a rule, uses an instrumental style of verbal communication, often ignores the interlocutor’s point of view, strives to find understanding only of his own problems, belittles the importance of his partner (for example: “You are talking nonsense!”), listens inattentively, and rushes to give him advice , evaluate his actions, encourages immediate and rash action.
Comparison of the characteristics of relationships in families of dominant-dependent and partner types
Dominant-dependent model of family relationships:
- uneven distribution of power, abuse of power;
- leadership that is based on strength;
- rigidity and rigidity of playing roles in the family;
- polytypical family responsibilities, segregation of interests of family members;
- destructive way of resolving conflicts;
- failures and mistakes are hidden, condemned, subject to obstruction, and often remembered;
- lack of respect for personal matters, intimate parts life, total control of behavior;
- feelings of insecurity, loneliness, guilt, anxiety and depression;
- closedness family life, isolation from society;
- raising children in conditions of hypercontrol and subordination.
Partnership model of family relationships:
- cooperative option for using power;
- leadership based on authority;
- interchangeability of roles in the family;
- flexible distribution of family responsibilities and activities;
- a constructive way to resolve conflicts;
- failures and mistakes are not hidden, discussed without reproach, forgiven, forgotten;
- respect for personal affairs, intimate aspects of life, without encroaching on the individual sphere of life without permission;
- perception of the family as a safe haven, where self-confidence is acquired, doubts and anxiety disappear, and mood improves;
- openness of family life to society;
- education in conditions of expanding the child’s autonomy, his full participation in making collective decisions and self-expression.
In families of the dominant-dependent type, facts of psychological violence become the norm. Often in such families it is the man who plays the role of head of the family. He “takes care” of his wife, makes decisions and has the right to use force to punish his partner, who, in his opinion, does not behave as expected. In accordance with these views, women are assigned a passive role in the life support of the family. She is instilled with the idea that responsibility for all domestic troubles lies with her: if the wife were more flexible, everything would be in order, they point out that the wife should be able to please her husband, because... “There are no bad husbands, but only bad wives.”
Relationships in which violence is present are characterized by the following manifestations: the victim’s fear of the partner’s mood; fear of making decisions on your own so as not to anger your partner; feelings of depression and unhappiness, frequent tears of the victim; humiliating the victim in front of friends or family.
In a partnership type relationship, the other person is perceived as an equal subject who has the right to be who he is.
Another method of psychological influence in which psychological violence plays a large role is the phenomenon of manipulation in interpersonal relationships. If during dominance violence is manifested in an open form, then during manipulation violence is not expressed explicitly, it exists in a hidden, veiled form.
Manipulation– a type of psychological influence in which one participant (the manipulator) deliberately and covertly encourages another (the recipient of the manipulation) to make decisions, take actions and experience the emotions necessary for the manipulator to achieve his own goals. In manipulation, as in the case of dominance, one of the partners (manipulator or suppressor) subordinates the feelings and actions of the other partner to his goals, plans and desires. The other partner seems to voluntarily, without apparent coercion, perform certain actions and deeds, but the psychological states experienced by him are close to the feelings and emotions experienced in situations of psychological dominance. These are such states as: state of anxiety; feeling of humiliation and resentment; the feeling of being controlled and used, i.e. treated you like a thing.
The secrecy of manipulative influence is ensured by the use of such psychological techniques(tricks) like:
Own exaltation or self-praise, which is an indirect method of belittling a partner;
unbalancing a partner; for this, ridicule and unfair accusations are used, and when the partner “flashes up,” attention is focused on his “unworthy” behavior and a feeling of guilt is produced with an urge to correct his behavior;
flattery and praise of a partner, a demonstration of the desire to please him and, as a result, the expectation of appropriate reciprocal actions;
withholding information that a person needs in order to cause him a state of nervousness, uncertainty, which leads to less thoughtful actions, etc.
The following are distinctive for manipulative influence: three signs:
Firstly, the characteristic that is invariably inherent in any manipulator is the desire to master the will of the partner A manipulator will always strive to put a person in a subordinate, dependent position. He will draw this dependence from the weaknesses of a person, i.e. his fears and worries (for example, worries about short stature in men and obesity in women), desires from which a person is not free (for example, a man’s desire for recognition and fame in accordance with the stereotype about the need for social success for a “real man” and the desire for love and well-being in family relationships among women in accordance with the stereotype about the high value of family self-realization for a “real woman”).
The second feature that distinguishes a manipulator is deception and hypocrisy in behavior. A person has a strong feeling that his partner is not telling him something, is being “obscure”, causing wariness, embarrassing ingratiation and a pronounced desire to please. Women, in order to get the behavior they want from a man, often exaggerately demonstrate their weakness, unhappiness, helplessness, inability and incompetence in any matter or issue. A manipulative technique is also common, according to which women extol the abilities and wealth of men in order to “spin” them into doing the right things and actions (for example, buying expensive gifts, paying for entertainment and trips: “If you love, prove it,” “A man must earn money, and the woman – to spend”).
The third difference between the manipulator is found in his judgments, where he will sound a call not for unification, but for separation. He will convince you to fight “for a place in the sun”, justify the need for a position of power - “the greater your strength and ability to control others, the higher you rise as the master of the position”, etc. For example, women who use psychological impact on their partners, in order to force them to make every effort to advance career ladder, while for men this goal may not be significant.
Consequences for the individual of manifestations of psychological violence
Repeated violence leads to significant psychological distress, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, persistent feelings of fear, and sometimes more serious consequences such as suicide attempts. The result of this type of violence can also be an exacerbation of chronic somatic diseases and the emergence of psychosomatic diseases. The short-term consequences of psychological violence are a complex of negative experiences (feelings of humiliation, resentment, guilt, fear; states of anxiety, self-doubt, dependence and lack of rights). Chronic depression, self-destructive tendencies, difficulties functioning within marital and parental roles are all long-term consequences of psychological abuse.
Many practical psychologists and psychotherapists working with women victims of violence believe that psychological consequences domestic violence is much more serious than worries about aggression from, for example, a hooligan attack on the street.
A person subjected to systematic psychological violence develops a model of the victim’s lifestyle and forms a state of “readiness” to implement this model throughout his life. Characteristics victim's lifestyle are the following aspects:
Distortion of the self-image, blaming oneself for what is happening, decreased sense of self-worth and significance;
feelings of fear and helplessness as dominant feelings; at the same time, the world is perceived as ambiguous, uncertain and always dangerous;
openness, fragility and uncertainty of the boundaries of one’s own self, inability to identify in time various shapes violence; failure to set limits and restrictions;
deprivation of basic needs (failure to satisfy the need for love, acceptance, understanding, belonging);
pronounced desire for intimacy, emotional dependence syndrome (codependency): excessive need for love, fear of losing the object of affection, dependence, lack of confidence in oneself and in others, denial of one’s own needs;
suppression or devaluation of one’s own feelings and experiences, impaired ability to enjoy life, impaired ability to establish emotional intimacy, “affective dullness” syndrome (lack of a sense of community with other people, feeling unable to build relationships of emotional attachment, rejection of oneself and others).
Causes of psychological violence
1. Personal-family model.
2. Sociocultural model.
1. Personal-family model, has several main varieties:
Theory innate instinct of aggressiveness. According to this theory, aggression and violence arise because human beings are genetically “programmed” to act in such a way.
- Psychoanalytic approach, according to which failure to meet basic needs in early childhood manifests itself in problem behavior in adulthood. If at an early age a child was constantly controlled, did not allow him to show his independence, and did not satisfy his (her) need for recognition and emotional attachment, then in adulthood such a person will strive to dominate others, because. the fear of losing a close adult partner will prompt the desire to subjugate him (her).
- Neo-behaviourist approach– “learned” incorrect behavior, in line with which there is a hypothesis about the intergenerational transmission of violence.
2. Sociocultural model and its varieties.
- Radical feminism approach. Feminist analysis of violence against women boils down to a critique of patriarchy, understood as the dominance of men over women. Male power is the main characteristic of social and interpersonal relationships in which women are suppressed. Violence against women is a consequence of male dominance in society and the family, the result of gender inequality. Psychological violence acts as a way of controlling women, keeping them in a subordinate position in accordance with the traditional system of views and ideas.
- Socialist feminism approach. The low social status of women is a reflection of the capitalist class system and the family structure that exists within that system. Socialist feminism argues that the repression of women is functional to capitalism, as it is supported by the unpaid labor of women, who also serve as a reserve labor force, used only when necessary. The family itself, in which the husband acts as the sole breadwinner of his wife and children, also contributes to the stabilization of capitalist society. Initially, the wife depends on her husband only economically, but soon this turns into emotional dependence and passivity. She is afraid of losing economic security, so he gains complete power over her. And men are afraid of losing their jobs, and the accumulated tension (stress and feelings of deprivation) “splash out” on their wives, trying to find a sense of inner balance.
-Gender approach. The gender approach, developed in the study of intergender relations as a criticism of traditional ideas about the need and expediency of differentiating the roles, statuses, positions of men and women in the public and private spheres of people’s lives, is focused on the analysis of systems of dominance/subordination and proclaims the idea of equality of men and women in the sphere of formal and informal relationships. Neither men nor women have any reason to suppress and subjugate each other, therefore any type of violence in intergender relations is unacceptable. Relations between men and women should be built on the basis of equality of positions, parity, consideration of each other's goals and interests.
Another very significant cause of domestic violence by men is difficulties of social life, i.e. life circumstances (unemployment, low earnings, low-status activities) that do not allow them to establish themselves in their traditional male role in a socially acceptable way. When a man does not correspond to one aspect of the traditional male role (professional success, decent social status, material well-being), he demonstrates exaggerated masculinity in another area, thereby compensating for his failure.
So, psychological violence is a very common phenomenon in interpersonal relationships between men and women. Its consequences for the individual are no less traumatic than other types of violence, for example physical. The main goal of any violence is to gain power over another person, and psychological violence in close relationships is one of the ways to gain power over a partner.
When we hear the word “violence,” we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force against a weaker person. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical violence, since it cripples not the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses self-confidence and his “I” and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.
Signs and types of psychological violence
Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of someone who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change his behavior, opinion, decision and act as the manipulative aggressor wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to mentally break the victim and make him completely dependent on his will. To achieve their goal, aggressors use the following types psychological violence:
Protection from psychological violence
The easiest people to succumb to psychological pressure are those who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all define for yourself your rights and responsibilities in each area of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.
Confronting those who like to command
When faced with someone who likes to command and give orders, you need to ask yourself two questions: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and “What will happen if I don’t do what he asks?” If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander needs to be put in his place with a phrase like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my responsibility to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.
Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly shifts part of his responsibilities to employee B without providing any counter services in return. In this case, confrontation with the aggressor will look like this:
A: You are just printing something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.
B: Am I working here as your secretary? In my official duties does not include printing your documents and delivering them anywhere. I have a lot of work to do, so do your report yourself and don’t distract me from my work, please.
Protection from verbal aggression
The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore best protection from verbal aggression - not to live up to the expectations of the aggressor and to react completely differently than he expects: to joke, remain indifferent or feel sorry for the offender. Also in an efficient way protection from such psychological violence is the “psychological aikido” method developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method is to use depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing out the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (like a psychiatrist agrees with everything the patient tells him).
Practical example: The husband calls and tries to humiliate his wife every time he has Bad mood. Protection from psychological violence in this case may be as follows:
M: You don’t know how to do anything at all! You are a disgusting housewife, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying under the sofa over there!
Zh: Yes, I’m so incompetent, it’s so hard for you with me! Surely you can do better cleaning than me, so I will be grateful if next time you help me clean the house.
Confronting being ignored
It is important to remember that deliberate ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not succumb to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger to mercy. A person who is inclined to constantly be offended and “ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made to understand that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.
Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. Little sister(M) has been accustomed to manipulating her older sister (S) since childhood. In cases where M doesn’t like something, she begins to deliberately ignore S and triple her boycott. Resistance to psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:
S: In a week I’m leaving on a business trip for two months.
S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You don't small child- you will find something to entertain yourself with.
M: So that means? Then you are no longer my sister and I won’t talk to you!
Resisting psychological pressure from feelings of duty or guilt
Strong personal boundaries are reliable protection from pressure on feelings of guilt and debt. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and responsibilities, a person will always be able to determine what is not part of his responsibilities. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibilities and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.
Practical example: Single mother (M) tries to ban adult daughter leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be like this:
M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for their parents in old age, and you are abandoning me!
D: I’m not leaving you - I’ll call you, come to visit you and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a well-paid job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?
M: What are you saying? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!
D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting things to do. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.
Stand up to bullying
When you hear from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning “if you don’t do something, then misfortune will happen in your life” or “if you don’t change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you,” you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In cases where intimidation or threats have no basis in reality, the blackmailer can be asked to carry out his threat right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can carry out the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.
Practical example: Employee A has not done his part on the project and is trying to intimidate Employee B into doing his job. Here's how you can resist pressure in such cases:
A: Why are you going to leave if the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, the boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?
Q: I've done my part. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.
A: The boss doesn’t care who does what. He needs results. So help me if you don't want to get kicked out.
Q: What do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me because I refuse to do your part of the duties.
Many people are aware that psychological abuse is being used against them, but they do not dare fight back for fear of ruining their relationship with someone who likes to command, manipulate, or abuse. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself why such relationships are valuable and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to the detriment of yourself, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.
Psychological abuse can take many forms, from demeaning jokes to offensive remarks. Sometimes this form of violence is even difficult to identify. This article contains tips that will help you identify the signs of psychological abuse and protect yourself from such behavior.
Steps
Part 1
identifying bullying-
Remember about the different forms of psychological violence. They always bully in different ways. If you set out to derive some common types such violence, then the following will happen:
- Humiliation and Criticism: When you are constantly put down, judged and criticized.
- Dominance, control: when you are treated like a child and find yourself constantly asking permission.
- Denial and unreasonable demands: When the other person cannot accept blame or an apology and constantly denies the facts.
- Isolation and ignoring: when you are boycotted.
- Codependency: your personal boundaries are constantly violated, you are used as a “vest”.
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Be aware of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a psychological aggressive strategy, the purpose of which is to sow doubts in a person’s own perception of reality and sanity. This is one of the most secretive forms of psychological violence, but at the same time, it is extremely harmful. We may be suffering from gaslighting if:
- You constantly reconsider your opinion.
- You constantly apologize, even for trifles.
- You know something is going terribly wrong, but you can't do anything about it.
- It's difficult for you to make simple choices.
- You wonder if you are too sensitive.
-
Remember what is typical for normal relationships. Violence is sometimes difficult to define, especially if you have no idea what a normal relationship is. If you feel like you are lacking any of the following, then most likely you are actually being psychologically abused.
- Kindness, emotional support.
- The right to your own feelings and thoughts, even if they differ from the feelings and thoughts of another person.
- Encouraging your interests and achievements.
- No physical or emotional threats, including angry outbursts.
- Address you with respect and do not allow derogatory nicknames or other verbal humiliation.
Part 2
solving the problem of psychological violence-
Think about the problem in a calm environment. Don't try to solve the problem through arguments. Even if you are completely right, there will be no benefit from this, but there will be plenty of harm. Instead, consider less conflicting options to solve the problem:
- Ask the other person if you can talk things through calmly. Instead of throwing around the words “mental abuse,” talk about how, in your opinion. your relationship could be better. Use more of the pronoun “I”, speak in the first person, and do not throw accusations with the pronoun “you”.
- Write a letter. If you feel like a heart-to-heart conversation won’t work, then put your thoughts on paper. The advantage of this method is that you can write everything as constructively as possible, saying exactly what is on your mind. Make several drafts, avoid direct accusations that may inflame the addressee's anger. Instead of saying, “You're making fun of me and I hate it,” write something like “I feel like I'm being humiliated and teased.”
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Seek support. A faithful friend or relative who will listen and understand, to whom you can open your feelings - this is priceless. Plus, if your relationship does end, it's a good idea to have someone nearby who can help you get through it.
- No need to contact your mutual friend. This will only put him in a very, very unpleasant position. Instead, reach out to someone you know well, but who doesn't know your abuser.
- Don't despair. Yes, you can cry into your friend’s vest during difficult times. You shouldn’t turn this into something for which you are actually “friends.” Otherwise, the “vest” might get offended, and then you will have not 1, but 2 damaged relationships. So don’t become limp, don’t fall into despair and... keep your nose up!
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Seek professional help. If the problem can no longer be dealt with on your own, then contact a professional. Find a therapist or marriage counselor who specializes in emotional abuse and make an appointment with them as soon as possible.
- If the financial aspect limits your choice, look for municipal institutions with specialists in the relevant profile.
- It doesn’t matter what happens to the relationship later, whether it survives or not. It is important to contact a professional. If your abuser is not interested in participating, then you can simply focus on healing your emotional wounds, after which you can move on with your life.
- If you feel that the situation is developing in a threatening way, leave the offender’s company as soon as possible. Have a friend or family member with you, or contact a local center that provides advocacy services for victims of violence.
- If for family reasons you cannot leave your abuser (say, the children love him very much, etc.), then, even if things go very badly, remember - you are putting up with this for the sake of the family. The sacrifice, of course, is noble, but it doesn’t hurt to ask for help. Even if moral or religious reasons prevent you from separating, or you do not want to separate your children and parents, there is an option - to live separately for some time. Helps.
- If you cannot contact the police because your offender is a policeman himself or someone else in power, carefully plan your... escape. Stock up on money and... run, run. Better - to another region. If you have someone to go to, then that’s even better.
Warnings
- Psychological violence may well become physical, and then everything will be much more complicated. In this case, seek help law enforcement agencies and start keeping a diary. Keep it in a safe place, write down everything that happened to you, not forgetting the dates. If you were injured, take photographs or videotape them. It would be better if a friend took the photo and signed it as a witness.
“...You can, of course, go all-in, wait for the meeting and ask: why are you skipping awkward questions? In such cases, moral abusers have other techniques. - Gaslighting, for example. ..."
Moral violence is an even more subtle topic than physical violence. Your partner does not drink, does not raise a hand against you, but deprives you of your will psychologically.
With recognition of physical violence modern people everything is more or less clear. Thanks to the educational activities of psychologists, it has long been no secret that violence is not necessarily sexual coercion or beatings. Keeping a person at home when he wants to leave or, on the contrary, not letting him in when he wants to go home; taking away keys, phone, documents or money in order to make it difficult for him to move - all this is also physical violence. Screaming or hitting the wall/table with the aim of breaking your will during a conflict breaks out - physical violence, even if no one has even touched you (yet). The abusive partner intuitively reasons very simply: rude physical actions in your presence, before your eyes, they frighten you and paralyze your will.
But what about moral violence? There is no roar, no destruction. No blows, no slaps. No broken things, no letters read without permission. How to identify him? Let's look at the types of psychological violence.
1. Instant switching to cold. Let's start with something innocuous. Hearing that you don’t want to go visit his parents again this weekend, your partner’s face falls silently. His eyes turned frosty, his lips lined. He says: OK. But his voice! It's like he just gave you a fine. Clearly, guests cannot be canceled (you guessed it).
2. Partial ignoring. Filter questions according to your goals. If you cut a pancake cake, it will be striped on the cut. This is what communication with a moral abuser looks like “at a glance.” Some answers can be obtained, others cannot.
How about Friday? I miss you.
- Yes, dear!
-Who is Masha Hibiscus? Is she flirting with you on Facebook?
He doesn't answer.
Honey, what do you want for dinner?
- Please bake my favorite sea bass with lemon and rosemary.
- Listen, why do you talk on the phone from the bathroom in the evenings, turning on the shower? Do you have someone?
He doesn't answer.
You can, of course, go all-in, wait for the meeting and ask: why are you skipping awkward questions? In such cases, moral abusers have other techniques.
3. Stare without comment. This is when he is Boa Kaa, and you... you yourself understand who.
- Dear, we could reschedule the trip out of town; I absolutely need to get to this conference for work.
In response, he looks at you without looking away.
— Did I ask something wrong?
Without blinking, he continues to pierce the bridge of your nose with his gaze.
You got scared and your question disappeared somewhere. Then, when you ask: “Aren’t you glad that I refused that conference, because you were so against...”, he will say with a hint: “I was against? Stop blaming me for your own mistakes." And he will be right. He didn't say he was against it. He just looked between your eyes. By the way, try again to say that he somehow looked wrong. He will say: “Did I look? I stood with my back to you and mixed Cointreau with Martini. Perhaps you drank too much that evening?” And this is already called….
4. Gaslighting. The 1948 detective film “Gas Light” is about how a young wife found herself hostage to her husband’s criminal goals. He made her look crazy in the eyes of her relatives, and most importantly, he made her doubt her own sanity. Gaslighting refers to deliberately “driving” another person crazy. The gaslighter purposefully asserts and even “proves” that the victim’s psyche works with errors and cannot be relied on. And the victim believes. Your friend does small things (like lying a little all the time) or even something big (spends common money on his personal climbing equipment, blackmails you into having an abortion, or sleeps with your girlfriend). And then he says one of the phrases: “What’s wrong with you?”, “Are you in a bad mood?”, “It’s not true, we agreed,” “You wanted this yourself,” “Oh, you’re starting again?”, “I don’t that’s what I meant”, “You misunderstood me”, “This never happened.” In romantic relationships, gaslighters use the universal human property of falling in love - regression. Are you in love and feel a little childish? Is it so nice to submit to a wise and charismatic friend? Let him do as he sees fit; is it a pleasure to dissolve in him? If your man is strong and mature, he will thank you for your trust and will only love you more. If you are dealing with a moral abuser, when you wake up from love, you will find yourself in a relationship where you don't decide anything, and where everything is against you if you don't agree with it. And to the question “why is everything like this?” he will say: “you wanted this yourself.” And he will be right.
5. Blackmail, inducing feelings of shame or guilt and seduction. Your friend reports that because of a missed visit to the birthplace, your mother has a bad heart, your dad tore his meniscus while running to the pharmacy, and he himself is now so upset that he doubts the prospects of your relationship. (as usual, he looks at the bridge of your nose). In this example, the whole “package” is visible: manipulation of guilt, an attempt to shame/scare you, blackmail with a break in the relationship. If you come to your senses and immediately promise everything that you refused yesterday, he will immediately become nice and smooth out the conflict with affection, sex or a walk in your favorite park.
6. Ignoring, disappearing for the purpose of punishment. The once famous pediatrician Benjamin Spock did not recommend entering the room at night. to a crying baby so that he “understands” that good kids They sleep at night, not cry. At the same time, another doctor, John Bowlby, with numbers in his hands, proved that a baby, again and again experiencing the inability to call his mother, plunges into “anaclitic depression”, from which he can even die despite complete care. We also experience a weak solution of infantile horror and despair when a dear person disappears “from the radar” without any comment. Moral abusers intuitively resort to this tool to intimidate their partners: “ Good girls They don’t ask their loved one awkward questions about flirting and telephone conversations from the bathroom. Twitch, take our quarrel frame by frame. Find the mistake, guess where you were wrong. And the day after tomorrow I may forgive you.”
7. In fact, he is the victim. Remember that Sunday when you didn’t want to go out and he heavily hinted that he would leave you? If one day you risk outplaying him and immediately respond with blackmail to blackmail, you will be amazed at the enchanting metamorphosis. Say: “Darling, I get so upset when people put pressure on me that I don’t even know what the prospects are for our relationship...” - here you need to take a long look between his eyebrows. I know the story when yesterday’s moral abuser cried for two weeks without a break and littered all his girlfriend’s messengers with pleas to forgive him. It turned out he was unaware of her discomfort. When blackmail stops working and seduction is inappropriate, he turns to pity. You relent and it all starts again.
The semantic core of any violence is the object manipulation of another person. Even wrapped in politeness, seduction or cunning, violence reveals itself according to the main feature - in a relationship you are an object, not a subject, not a person, not a person with his own feelings and will. And you are treated like an object: they manipulate you functionally, sorting through different techniques, looking for master keys. If you are pliable, use soft techniques. If soft ones are not effective, use pressure.
Very often, a partner prone to psychological violence alternates aggression with seduction. As soon as you stop bending, he becomes charming and in a deep velvety voice asks you for reconciliation. And gives a ticket to a musical or a tour to Bali. You relax, and after a couple of days he scolds you again, glares at you and punishes you with silence. There is only one remedy against moral abusers, but it is enough. You need to know exactly what you want (or don’t want) and be able to say it out loud.
Violence does not always cause us physical harm, and physical harm is not always the worst type of violence. Psychological violence leads to psychological trauma, and it leads to undermined self-confidence. As a result, society receives an inferior link, and you (that is, the link) are deprived of a full-fledged social life.
The consequences of psychological violence can be stress, fear, post-traumatic disorder, and maybe physical violence (usually one gives rise to the other). In any case, remember: people who are psychological abusers, in almost 100% of cases, have themselves once suffered from the emotional blows of others. These can be unhealed childhood grievances, teenage complexes that are sensitively guarded and then lead to revenge, violence, bullying, and even disasters. In the biography of every dictator (if you look hard enough), you can find the moment when an absolutely normal person harbored the deepest grudge, promising himself to grow up “powerful and strong” in order to take revenge on those who insulted him.
Types of psychological violence
Emotional abuse always manifests itself in different, individual ways. But if we put all the cases together and draw conclusions, we get the following classification of types of psychological violence:
- humiliation - condemned, criticized, ridiculed, teased;
- dominance - treat the victim like a child, remind him that such behavior is unacceptable, control spending, remind him of mistakes too often;
- they make demands - the victim is addressed not by name, but using nicknames, the rapist blames the victim for his mistakes and failures;
- ignoring – using boycott as punishment;
- codependency – the victim becomes a “vest”.
The worst type of psychological and emotional abuse is glazing. This term means that doubts about their own sanity are planted in the victim's mind. When an abuser hurts you and you get hurt, he's telling you that you're too sensitive. If a person is told the same thing over and over again, he will really doubt the adequacy of his perception. Main signs of glazing:
Most often, signs of psychological violence are clearly visible in married couples, boss-subordinate relationships, among friends (friend “vest”), and also on a large scale – “authority and people.”
The hardest thing is to cope with psychological violence at home when it comes to someone dear to you. The last thing you need to resort to is, and the most favorable option is to focus in conversation, “showdowns” not on how someone is ruining your life, but on how you (you personally) want to improve your relationship.