What is love? Each of us asked this question more than once - and each time we could not express it in words. Why does this feeling visit a person, what is the secret of its power over us, how can we determine that what we experience for another person is that same love?
What does love mean?
This is perhaps the most intimate feeling that a person can experience in relation to another person. Love is an irresistible attraction to another person, the desire to be close to him, to take care and protect, to sacrifice oneself for the sake of a loved one - and at the same time not to feel dependent, to be internally free, to remain oneself. Love is impossible without mutual respect, care, loyalty, and responsibility.
True love is not given to each of us to know - after all, only a few are ready for a deep knowledge of love and constant work to maintain its strength for many years. As a rule, a person treats love to one degree or another selfishly, enjoying only the positive emotions from this feeling, and when love encounters inevitable obstacles, he abandons it.
What is the meaning of love? It is believed that only a loving person is able to understand another person and accept him as he is, with all his advantages and disadvantages. Love is considered one of the components of human socialization and is characteristic exclusively of homo sapiens - it is likely that it was the ability to love, and not to work, that made a man out of an ape. Without love, a person cannot understand others and himself, find a place for himself in this world, or enjoy life. This is an unhappy person, deprived of the main joy of life. And only a loving person will be able to experience life in all its glory, to feel the fullness of the feelings that can be experienced in relation to another person.
It is difficult to answer unequivocally the question of what is the essence of love. Despite existing definitions, love is individual for each person and can inspire completely different actions, actions, and emotions. For some, it is a source of inspiration, a stimulus for creativity. For others, it is a destructive force, exhausting and does not bring joy (in most cases this concerns unrequited love). For others, it is simply bliss and complete dissolution in another person.
Love stands apart from other human feelings, differing from them in its spirituality, sublimity, motivation for creation and self-improvement. One of the main “symptoms” of love is when a person receives more pleasure from what he gives than from what he receives, without demanding anything in return. We are not talking about material things, but about spiritual ones - roughly speaking, by loving, we give our life to a person, because from now on all thoughts, all joys and sorrows are connected with our loved one. That is why a person who treats love only from a consumer point of view, who strives only to receive attention and care from another person, cannot be called loving.
Typology of love
In search of an answer to the question “What is love?” people have been there since ancient times. Even the ancient Greeks developed a whole classification of types of love, which is quite reasonable and has not lost its relevance in our time. According to this typology, love is of the following types:
- “eros” - love-passion, the constant companions of which are the predominance of the sensual side, the physiological need for each other, pathos, jealousy, complete dedication and sacrifice, in which a person loses his own “I”, completely dissolving in the object of love;
- “philia” - love-friendship, based on the spiritual component of the relationship. This is love-sympathy that arose as a result of communication between two people who were connected by common interests, views on life, mutual understanding and mutual respect;
- “storge” - love, which is based on ancestral ties. This is the love between husband and wife, parents and children, brother and sister. Storge – tender and calm love, based on mutual trust;
“agape” is reasonable love, based on an objective assessment of the merits and demerits of a loved one. In this love there is no place for feelings and emotions - the mind gets down to business. Perhaps rational love is not as poetic as passionate eros, but it is more durable and creative.
What is the essence of love - the opinion of scientists
Scientists have their own view of what love means. According to the latest research by anthropologists, love is just chemical and biological processes occurring in the human body.
Thus, during passionate love, the brain produces dopamine, a substance that increases excitability and gives a feeling of emotional uplift. The production of this substance is not constant, it lasts from 6 months to 3 years, and this time is usually enough for lovers to link their lives to reproduce.
Subsequently, the production of dopamine stops, passion dulls, and the spouses sigh, saying that “everyday is boring, and love is gone.” In fact, everything is not so sad - dopamine can be produced in the brain as a result of new sensations. To do this, you need to remember to bring romance into your relationship throughout your life together.
The meaning of love for each of us lies in something of its own, intimate and indescribable in words. Love is multifaceted like no other human feeling. A person who knows true love is happy, but even happier is the one who was able to preserve it after many years.
Every person is unique. This statement concerns not only the genetic code, but also emotionality and sensuality. We see the world around us and form our own attitude towards it due to the characteristics of our character, upbringing, and the concepts of good and evil instilled in us from childhood. Each of us has our own experience of personal relationships and communication, therefore, explanations in our own words of what love is can differ radically. Some are sincerely convinced that this feeling is a divine gift, but for others it is nothing more than an empty game of hormones.
So what kind of feeling is love? Passion, affection, trust, physical intimacy or all of them? Alas, out of thousands of previous generations, there has not yet been a person who could give an explanation that suits everyone. Psychologists, physiologists, philosophers, writers and poets have thought about love relationships, but each work expresses only one aspect of this multifaceted feeling.
Love is perhaps the only concept that is difficult to explain in words. If we ask a hundred people to give their own brief interpretation, we will receive a hundred completely different answers: from sublime epithets to vulgar statements.
In the statements of ordinary people, an age component is clearly visible. Young people are primarily focused on sensuality and physical intimacy (“Love is when there are butterflies in the stomach”), the older generation is focused on emotional stability and mutual respect (“Loving does not mean looking at each other. Loving means looking together in the same direction "), mature people value care and affection most of all.
Love lyrics in poetry
Every person dreams of hearing the words “I love you,” regardless of age, worldview, or social status. And expressing your experiences in words is a real art.
Love lyrics occupy a leading place in the work of Russian and foreign poets who tried to unravel the eternal mystery of the versatility of love. Happiness if it brings joy, but often it also makes you suffer. Poetic natures are characterized by a refined perception of the human soul. Through words written on paper, they strive to tell the world about their feelings, creating amazingly beautiful, reverent and sublime poems.
Suffice it to recall Konstantin Simonov“The premonition of love is more terrible.” In four quatrains, the poet managed to emotionally describe the confusion of a person who does not yet fully realize that he is in love:
"The premonition of love is worse
Love itself. Love is like a fight
You got along with her eye to eye.
There’s no need to wait, she’s with you.”
And here are the amazing lines of Yulia Drunina:
“But love is never unhappy,
Even if she kills.
Anyone who doesn't understand this
He’s not worth happy love.”
Love lyrics prevail in the works of A. Pushkin (especially in the early period), N. Nekrasov, B. Pasternak, O. Mandelstam, in the poetry of I. Bunin, A. Blok. People with different destinies describe in their own way both the state of falling in love and reckless passion.
One can only envy those to whom the lines of the great poets were addressed. For example, Konstantin Balmont confessed his love like this:
“I love you more than the Sea, and the Sky, and the Singing,
I love you longer than the days I have been given on earth.
You alone burn for me like a star in the silence of the distance...”
The classics of the genre are echoed by poets of the 20th century. There is hardly a person who will remain indifferent after reading (or listening) ballads by V. Vysotsky:
“I breathe, and that means I love!
I love, and that means I live!”
Interesting! It is believed that creativity is maximized when a person is in a state of love. Who knows, maybe you will go down in history after meeting your loved one?
Category of psychology
The vast majority of terms in psychology have a clear formulation. Love showed its uniqueness here too - there is no single explanation. We can only be content with several versions expressed at different times by expert level specialists.
One of the most common definitions is based on a person's physical need to be close to a partner of the opposite sex.
According to the second version, love is short-lived: a strong feeling flares up like a torch and goes out just as quickly.
Proponents of the third version explain love as a powerful emotional upsurge that generates positive emotions comparable to a feeling of euphoria.
Psychologists specializing in relationships between men and women There are several types of love:
- love is almighty. It is about her that films are made, girls dream about her. Most often it is mutual. This feeling pushes one to take reckless actions and even sacrifices;
- love-mania. A pure and bright feeling is suppressed by obsession, and there is no reciprocity at all. The object of adoration usually ignores manifestations of attention, which for a lover can become a real tragedy;
- love is passion. Love relationships are determined by instincts that people who love each other are unable to cope with;
- love is mature. It is expressed in mutual care and trust, while physical intimacy loses paramount importance.
The psychological understanding of love can be summarized as follows: feelings can be very different, the main thing is that the partners’ understanding is the same. It is also useful to periodically turn off cold calculation and introspection - then love will reveal itself from a completely new side.
From a scientific point of view
Using new research techniques to peer inside the human brain, scientists have been able to explain some of the mysteries of love. Thus, a person in a state of love is prone to irrational behavior due to the shutdown of certain areas in the frontal cortex responsible for analytical thinking. At the same time, activation of hormonal centers triggers a chain of chemical reactions that result in the formation of substances similar in structure and action to endorphins.
Of course, it would be too rude to explain the feelings that arise by the material component, but from neurologists and physiologists you can increasingly hear the phrase “chemistry of love.”
From a philosophical point of view, love is an inexplicable desire for each other (in simple words, they love not for anything, but in spite of it), which is based on mutual respect and the desire to always be together.
Interesting! Despite the development of scientific schools, directions and research methods, scientists have not been able to fully understand what love means as a scientific category. Apparently, the time for discoveries in this area is still ahead.
Love, habit or passion?
There is an opinion that passion is generated by the novelty of relationships and sensations, and habit means gray everyday life and a certain hopelessness. As numerous examples from life show, it is not the lack of passionate relationships or bad habits that put an end to love. If there was no love from the beginning, then the sad outcome is predetermined. You should not rely on the proverb “If you endure it, you will fall in love”: this folk wisdom has ruined more than one million families.
Passion usually flares up and burns out, but with true love, the fire of a relationship is maintained throughout life. Yes, it's hard work, but it's worth the effort!
Stages of love: step by step
Many have heard about love at first sight, but not everyone believes in such a development of events. And rightly so! According to research results (joint work of physiologists, sociologists, psychologists, etc.), despite the fact that love relationships develop differently for everyone, they consistently go through certain stages:
- Love. A period of mutual charm and sympathy between a man and a woman. The duration of “candy bouquets” and other signs of attention varies from several days to 1-2 years.
- addictive. The intensity of passions reaches its climax and gradually turns into routine. As a rule, at this stage it is too early to talk about a thunderstorm, although distant rumbles of thunder can already be heard.
- Disgust and rejection. Repeated quarrels and mutual reproaches heat the situation to the limit. It is at this stage that spouses most often separate and try to build new relationships. Alas, in 95% of cases new marriages are also doomed to failure.
- Patience and acceptance. A radically new stage in the development of relations. Those who were able to survive it will already answer exactly what it means to truly love. Egocentrism gradually fades into the background, giving way to mutual respect and the desire to do something for your partner.
- True love. A stage that only a few can reach. At the stage of maturity, there is no longer any need to make efforts to “maintain the fire”: feelings do not weaken over time, but only grow stronger.
Finally
Love is a wonderful feeling, the beginning of all beginnings. It can come unexpectedly and remain in the heart forever.
Love as if you were living your last day, and maybe after some time you will be able to explain this beautiful, real and bright feeling.
Love and its definition can be viewed from different points of view - philosophical, religious, psychological, even medical. She is admired, inspired, idolized, exalted, poems, paintings, music, lives are dedicated to her. However, can we say that everyone understands love in their own way? What is it like, what does it consist of, how does it differ from other feelings, can it cause harm? And most importantly - how to find it?
What is love?
Love is a deep, long-lasting, stable attachment combined with corresponding benevolent actions. The “feeling-action” connection is inseparable. Love without an emotional component (feelings of sympathy) is a service out of benefit or humanity, and without external manifestations (actions) it is passion or falling in love.
If a passerby decides to shake hands with a fallen stranger, this will show him as a compassionate, caring, kind person. But the action will not indicate love. If one of the couple experiences warm feelings, but does not want to express it outwardly (help, care, etc.), then the other one also appears here.
There is no clear single definition for this concept, since different teachings interpret love in their own way. For example:
- religion(Christianity) - sacrifice, patience, forgiveness;
- philosophy- the highest form of relationship between people;
- science— chemical and physical processes and conditions affecting;
- psychology- manifestation of socialization, desire for procreation;
- society- a unifying category in the family (blood, acquired);
- art- one of the most powerful sources, incentive;
- esotericism— an energetic connection predetermined by higher powers.
The very concept of love is ideal, but its manifestations in human behavior are not. And that's okay. You can imagine a flawless pearl in your imagination, but in reality, even the most beautiful pearls have microscopic cracks, chips, and abrasions.
You can perceive this feeling as a moral and emotional category, associate it only with or. But it is still difficult to deny the fact that it affects the physiological state and well-being.
Love is:
1. Caring.
The desire to look after and protect from any problems is a sure sign of a serious feeling. It manifests itself in attentiveness to a loved one and his needs.
Examples: caring for someone who is sick, helping with household chores, providing comfort (wrapping them in a blanket, giving a massage).
2. Respect.
Examples: ability to listen to the interlocutor, interest in him as a person, tolerant attitude.
3. Responsibility.
Keyword - voluntary. This is a personal decision of the lover, and not an imposed obligation. A person understands that his behavior affects not only himself, but also the reputation, feelings, and life of the one to whom this love is addressed.
Examples: planning for a future together, striving to solve rather than suppress or ignore, working to improve relationships.
4. Freedom.
It would seem that this is the opposite concept of responsibility. But it is equally present in healthy relationships. If obligations are “we,” then they are “I.” More precisely, the willingness to allow the other to not bury this “I” anywhere, not to sacrifice it in favor of “we” or the partner’s ego.
Examples: absence of threats, manipulations, categorical unreasonable prohibitions; providing choice, the opportunity to be yourself.
5. Proximity.
This is close communication, understanding each other on the intellectual, emotional, physical levels. A loved one becomes an inseparable part of life, and his usual habits are studied almost thoroughly.
Examples: common traditions, free tactile contact without tightness or awkwardness (hugs, touching), built mutual understanding.
6. Selflessness.
Love is free from selfishness. It also has nothing to do with the deal. Giving his feelings, help, care, a lover does it for free. The attitude “you are for me, and I am for you” is a sign of frivolity of feelings or inability.
Examples: desire to do something nice without expecting something in return, generosity (including in), initiative.
7. Trust.
Openness in thoughts and actions, sincerity, and confidence in the object of adoration are also very important. They form the basis of a healthy relationship, allowing other parts of love to develop.
Examples: fidelity, personal conversations, revealing secrets, the ability to rely on another, faith in a word.
8. Development.
Love makes people change and develop together. Moreover, this is not only the “acquaintance-cohabitation-marriage-children” scheme. This also includes working on relationships and yourself, improving your life together.
Examples: search and development of common interests, activities, work with a family psychologist, improvement of “I” for the comfort of “we”.
9. Sobriety.
Physiology of love.
A real hormonal boom occurs in the body of a loving person. Moreover, the types of hormones and their proportions at different stages of the relationship differ markedly. Interestingly, the amount of some of these substances depends on the gender of the lover. The main ones include 6 hormones.
- Dopamine. It is produced at the moment when a person decides to carry out an action that brings him (to see his mate). Stimulates excitement, pleasant excitement, emotional arousal, anticipation.
- Adrenalin. Creates a “positive stress” effect. It activates all the body's resources, including the nervous system. It is because of him that a feeling of “omnipotence” arises, a desire to move mountains.
- Serotonin. This is the key to a good mood. Its deficiency causes. The paradox is that its level drops if adrenaline appears in the blood. That's why in the first stages of a relationship, lovers sometimes tend to exaggerate and suffer out of nowhere.
- Endorphins. Causes satisfaction. They are especially actively produced during tactile contact with the object of sympathy. Over time, their production decreases. However, chocolate, sports and sex restore balance.
- Oxytocin. Awakens affection, enhances intimacy and trust. Reduces the amount of all previous substances. Passion is replaced by a pleasant calmness, a feeling of reliability and stability.
- Vasopressin. Has the same effect as oxytocin. However, it manifests itself in greater concentration in men. This is the “guarantee of monogamy” for a guy.
Taken together, this hormonal mix improves immunity, metabolism, the state of the cardiovascular system, attention, and stimulates the creative work of the brain.
Types of love.
Type of subject (owner) of feelings
- Parental. The most sacrificial. These are the feelings not only of the father and mother, but also of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and guardians.
- Children's. The most open, spontaneous, sincere, but slightly capricious.
- Romantic. Love in a couple or between spouses. Includes erotic overtones.
- Friendly. It appears and strengthens much longer than other species. More rare.
- Sister/brotherhood. Has common features with parent-child, friendly. The bias towards one or the other is determined, as a rule, by the difference in age.
Classification by John Alan Lee.
A sociologist-publicist from Canada took the thoughts of the ancient Greeks about love as the basis for his typology. He highlighted three main types of love relationships, assigning them different colors:
- Eros- red. Passion, idealization, adoration, irresistible attraction, a clear predominance of emotions over reason, blindness;
- storge- yellow. Calm family relationships based on similar interests, intimacy, friendship, trust, mutual understanding.
- ludus- blue. A feeling of gambling, an attempt to get rid of, a passion for the purpose of obtaining pleasure.
Lee also argued that pairwise mixed basic species create three secondary types:
- mania- eros + ludus, violet. Obsession, fanaticism, deviation from a healthy form of relationships. Instability, unpredictability.
- pragma- ludus + storge, green. Rationality, the predominance of reason over emotions, selectivity, awareness, search for benefits, self-interest.
- agape- eros + storge, orange. Selflessness, openness, generosity, voluntary sacrifice, unconditionality of feelings.
Social status.
It refers to the level of income, education, and culture. Sometimes religion and specific traditions of an individual family or an entire nation are also taken into account (for example, castes in India).
- Equal- relationships between representatives of the same social class. Approved and encouraged by society.
- Unequal- feelings that arise between people of different social classes. This is love with serious obstacles.
The relationship of object to subject.
- Mutual- reciprocal feelings between partners, equal treatment of each other.
- Unrequited- lack of reciprocity or inequality in the strength and quality of emotions.
- Anonymous- a situation in which people do not know about the presence or depth of each other’s feelings. As a rule, these are the first stages of dating or periods after serious quarrels or long separation.
Sympathy, love, love.
Is there a difference between these concepts? It turns out yes. It is expressed not only in the brightness and duration of emotions, but also in relation to another person.
- Sympathy- spontaneously arising interest based on obvious signs of a new acquaintance. Its duration and further development can be completely different. That is, it is possible both a complete interruption of affection and its degeneration into a more serious, deep feeling. This is an interest in appearance, in positive qualities that immediately catch the eye, in the presence of common hobbies.
- Love- stable sympathy that arises after rapprochement, closer acquaintance. Appears at the stage when people know each other well. This is an “immature” form of love, since there is still some illusoryness in it. As a rule, it coincides with the “candy-bouquet” period and the peak of the hormonal surge.
- Love- conscious deep love. The disadvantages of a person or a relationship with him are perceived adequately. There is no ignoring, silencing, avoiding here. There is no dependence, affects, fanaticism.
An approximate gradation of these states can be expressed in the following phrases:
- “You have beautiful eyes. Do you like comics too? Cool. Let's talk some other time"- sympathy.
- “How I adore you! You are my everything. I can’t imagine my life without you”- love.
- “Even though we have disagreements and have many differences, you make me a better person.”- Love.
Sometimes the line is very thin, so falling in love can easily be confused with love. But the latter lasts longer and is much less susceptible to selfishness, whims, and impulses.
Is there love at first sight?
In general, people fall into two categories:
- those who are looking for an ideal couple (“soul mate”, betrothed/betrothed, destiny);
- those who create their own ideal relationship with any suitable partner.
The first ones hope more for compatibility - psychological, physical, everyday, even zodiac. The second are practitioners who believe that ideals are not found, but created. But who is right?
Partially both. On the one hand, there are thousands of situations where people feel “chemistry” already at the first meeting, and then live happily in love and harmony. On the other hand, despite the strength of emotions at the first meeting, love comes later. Loving people know their loved ones well. Deep knowledge cannot be achieved after the first conversations. That is, serious feelings still require time and communication.
Can love hurt?
It turns out yes. Moreover, we are not talking about an affective, unhealthy state, but about a completely adequate version of feelings.
American scientists conducted an experiment involving 50-80 year old people who had lost their partners. The study found that the subjects had an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and inflammatory processes. The threat of death in such people was increased by 41% .
And for patients with poor health, strong, even positive emotional outbursts (constant) have the same effect as chronic stress.
To reduce the risk, just turn to, start practicing yoga or learn to take time for yourself. And for younger people to believe that love is not as rare as it is described in novels. You can fall seriously in love several times in your life.
Love lasts 3 years?
The title of the book of the same name by the popular writer Frederic Beigbeder has almost become a catchphrase. Moreover, it is confusing, since in the novel itself this phrase is the self-hypnosis of the protagonist, and not a psychological fact.
However, statistics show that the three-year mark often becomes fatal and insurmountable for many couples. Why does this happen? The reason is hormones and attitude towards difficulties.
Changes in hormonal levels.
The first stages of communication between lovers cause them to produce serotonin, adrenaline, norepinephrine, endorphins, and dopamine. They also cause a feeling of “butterflies in the stomach,” a pleasant shiver, an emotional upsurge, even to the point of insomnia and dizziness.
However, the effect of these hormones does not last forever. Over time, their production begins to clearly decline. And although oxytocin and vasopressin take over, such bright outbursts of emotions as before no longer occur. This decline is perceived by lovers as a withdrawal of feelings, so they sometimes decide to separate.
Working on relationships.
At the beginning of acquaintance, people, as a rule, try to show their best side, to hide their character flaws and bad habits. But soon the masks begin to fall off, and negative traits begin to appear more and more. It seems as if the person is radically changing for the worse. However, this is only a sign that he is relaxing more and revealing his true nature.
When there is a collision between two “I”s, accustomed to living only by their own rules, conflicts begin. By the third year of a relationship, couples often move in together, and in everyday life this junction is felt more acutely. A sharply increased number of quarrels is perceived as a reason for a breakup.
In fact love, as a result of the constant work of partners, lasts much longer. It is enough to perceive the difficult stage as a temporary difficulty. If you try to solve common problems rather than avoid them, a bright feeling will become a constant companion.
How to attract love into your life?
We will not talk about a specific variety, but about love as the surrounding atmosphere. How can you fill your life with positive vibrations, improve your relationships with loved ones, and even attract friendships or romance?
1. Be grateful for what you already have.
The ability to appreciate real achievements and existing gifts is a fairly important trait. And on the contrary, constant grumbling repels everyone and people. By enjoying what he has, a person improves his mood, becomes happier, smiles more often, and attracts all good things to himself like a magnet.
It is enough to mentally thank fate/God/the universe/yourself once a day for having health, a roof over your head, joyful moments, loved ones, friends. Even the opportunity to simply walk, breathe, enjoy nature, learn new things is already a reason to be grateful.
2. Get out of your comfort zone.
People who are accustomed to living according to one scenario rarely achieve significant success. And how can you get them if you want them, but don’t put in the effort?
Leaving your comfort zone does not mean jumping with a parachute or changing your country of residence. You can, of course, do this too, but in fact there are a lot of other ways to break up the routine:
- sign up for a course, a club, a section, even a one-time or;
- buy new clothes, different in style from everyday ones, get a new hairstyle, change your color;
- develop a good habit (plan your day, drink a lot of water, go to bed, get up at the same time, for example);
- change your usual routes to work, the store, or the hairdresser;
- go to a concert, fast food, exhibition, theater, cinema, club.
Another important feature: it is important to be on the street or in establishments among new people more often.
3. Love yourself.
So the first step for those looking for love is to pay attention to themselves. How to improve self-esteem? Take care of your own appearance, internal (spiritual, psychological, intellectual).
4. Give kindness.
No matter how harsh life and sarcastic skeptics are, the “boomerang rule” still applies. Good deeds, even just words, come back, bringing benefits. But not always in the expected way.
- the past is already filled pages,
- current time is an empty string,
- future - next sheets.
If you just re-read the pages you’ve written all the time, you won’t be able to get to new ones. And the blank line will remain unfilled. Therefore, closing old ones, leaving the past behind is a necessity. Then life will give you pleasant changes.
At first glance, love seems quite understandable, a feeling familiar to everyone. But if you dig deeper, secret facets, complex parts, and the deep meaning of its existence are revealed. It requires awareness, does not tolerate falsehood, but in return gives unearthly happiness. For some it is an ideal, for others it is the fruit of hard work. But hardly anyone will deny its importance and indispensability.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposes a theory according to which love consists of three essential components: intimacy, passion and commitment.
- Intimacy- this is closeness and mutual support, partnership. It increases as lovers get closer and may not manifest itself in a calm, measured life. However, in a crisis situation, when a couple has to overcome difficulties together, it is clearly expressed.
- Passion- this is a feeling. It reaches its highest point at the beginning of a relationship, but stops growing in long-term ones. However, this does not mean that passion is absent in a long marriage - it simply ceases to be an important motivator for the couple.
- Liabilities- willingness to be faithful to another person. This is the only component of love that grows over time in any relationship - both long-term and short-term - and becomes an increasingly significant aspect.
Types of love
Depending on whether these components are present in a relationship, Sternberg identifies seven types of love.
1. Sympathy. Includes only one component - intimacy. There is spiritual closeness, a feeling of tenderness, affection for a person, but there is no passion and devotion.
2. Obsession. There is passion, but there is no intimacy and commitment. As a rule, passion arises very quickly and passes just as quickly. This is the same love at first sight, which can remain a fleeting passion, or can develop into something more.
3. Empty love. There is mutual commitment, but there is no passion and intimacy. This is love of convenience (not monetary, of course), when a person judiciously, after weighing all the pros and cons, decides to remain faithful to his partner. This type of love is typical for married couples who have lived together for a long time and have lost emotional and physical attraction to each other, but...
4. Romantic love. Intimacy and passion are characteristic, but there is no devotion. Relationships are similar to sympathy, but in addition to emotional intimacy, there is physical attraction to the partner. This type of love constantly appears as a plot in literature and cinema (both in the classic play Romeo and Juliet and in popular romance novels).
5. Companionate love. A combination of intimacy and commitment. The passion is no longer there or never was. This love binds relatives, friends or spouses when the passion has passed.
6. Meaningless love. An unusual combination of passion and devotion to a partner, but there is no spiritual closeness with him. Such relationships often turn into a hasty marriage, when the couple decides to get married almost on the second date. However, if intimacy does not increase over time, such a marriage ends.
7. Ideal love. Includes all three components: passion, intimacy, devotion. All couples strive for such a relationship. And it is possible to achieve them, but it is very difficult to maintain them. This kind of love never lasts. This does not mean that the relationship ends in a break, it just loses one of the components, and ideal love is transformed into another variety, for example, companionship or empty love.
What is needed for mutual love to arise?
Psychologist Elaine Hatfield, as a result of her research, came to the conclusion that in order for love to arise - mutual, bringing joy and satisfaction, or unrequited, leading to despair, three factors must be present:
1. The timing is right. There must be (ideally, both) a willingness to fall in love with another person.
2. Similarity. It is no secret that people sympathize with those who are similar to themselves, not only externally, but also internally - they have similar interests, hobbies, and attachments.
3. Early attachment style. It depends on the personal characteristics of each person. A calm, balanced person is more capable of long-term relationships than an impulsive and impetuous one.
Psychologists strive to understand the nature of love, but at present it is unlikely that any of them will be able to answer the question of why and how this feeling appears. But the phenomenon of love certainly needs to be studied. After all, if you understand the patterns of this feeling, then the reasons that can be avoided in the future will also become clear.
The topic that we will carefully discuss today is as old as felt boots. Great poets, composers, artists racked their brains over this question... Everyone understood it in their own way and found their own answer to this question. But their children, and their children's children, and everyone on the planet still wonders -
WHAT IS LOVE?
Even when we were little, we had notebooks called “diaries”, and in them we wrote down all our innermost dreams, secrets, etc. So, in these diaries you can find different concepts of love.
Love is when I think about you 60 seconds a minute. Love is when I walk down the street and the smile on my face never disappears. Love - This is when life without you loses all meaning. Love is when sometimes you want to brew two cups of coffee in the morning, even though I’m alone. Love is a vase, and a vase is glass... Glass things break easily!
In general, what I want to say is that the words are beautiful, they make your head spin, but understanding…. Oddly enough, even scientists decided to delve into the depths of this issue. They believe that there are some particles in our body that are supposedly responsible for our feelings. But a question arises FOR WHAT?
All this is very difficult and I consider it a useless exercise, because everyone experiences this feeling in their own way. Love is considered a deeper feeling that touches our heart than the feeling of falling in love and affection, and, strange as it may seem, also passion. Therefore, when you are going to meet your “ideal”, try to penetrate his mind and try to recognize it - will it develop into something larger and brighter feeling or will it dissolve like soda in vinegar.. In order to make it easier for me to explain to you how not to miscalculate your chance in life, I will tell you about the main things of this fundamental feeling.
What is love built on?
I’ll tell you right away that this is not molding in a sandbox, it requires patience and perseverance.
And so our first point is CARE. When you love, you always want to protect a person - take care of him. Guys protect their girls from unpleasant types, are always ready to listen to their beloved, and girls, in return, happily prepare soup, select a wardrobe, and gently stroke the head if their beloved has any troubles. The most important thing, of course, is not to cook borscht, but to take care of his emotions and feelings.
But there may be a danger hidden here, which in psychology is called overprotection. This is when your girlfriend forgets about love and only turns on the caring function. An example from life.
The girl called her boyfriend with different questions, such as: How are you feeling? Does your head hurt? I gave you a pill, please take it. Do you love me? Did you take it with you today? Are you tired of me yet? And I asked the question 200 times: Are you sure you’re not tired of it? I'll come to you today. I'll bring my 33rd gift this week. Because I love you so much!
Caring is a very broad concept, but in short it means protecting another from pain. Including those that you can cause yourself.
RESPONSIBILITY. If you love, it means you are responsible for the one you love. But do not forget that responsibility can only be voluntary! Because if you think that you should because you have love, then this is not a feeling, but a duty - since I love, it means I have to. Never adhere to this point of view; as a consequence, nothing good will come of it. Remember to be responsible during an argument. If you think that responsibility is not shared equally among all participants, then you are deeply mistaken. This means that your fault in the dispute is exactly the same as that of your opponent.
To be responsible is to grow up: to be responsible for your words and actions, to accept the feelings and thoughts of another, to be able to sacrifice something for the benefit of relationships. In general, a whole science that it’s time to start learning now.
KNOWLEDGE. This is the main foundation in our case. Without it, neither care nor responsibility is possible. As strange as it may sound, it is true. To know what kind of person is in front of you, you need to constantly study him. What kind of music does he prefer, what does he like, what do they value in people, etc. Just don’t bombard the guy with all these questions on the first day of the date. Study your partner throughout your life. Every day there is something new and interesting. Just be careful and try to be sincerely interested in the person opposite.